


loose lips sink ship all the damn time (not this time)

by MediaWhore



Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Flashbacks, Fluff, Forced coming out, Getting Back Together, Getting Together, Lack of Communication, M/M, One Direction Big Bang, Sex Tape, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-04
Updated: 2015-03-04
Packaged: 2018-03-12 05:36:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 39,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3345497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MediaWhore/pseuds/MediaWhore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i> “Louis Tomlinson is gay,” Fiona announces and she sounds calm at least.</i><br/><br/><i>“That’s not a scandal,” Nick replies automatically even though he feels slightly sick. He needs to call Louis back. Now.</i><br/><br/><i>“No,” Fiona agrees quickly. “But his underage gay sex tape is.” </i><br/> <br/>The one where Louis is outed via a sex tape he made before the X-Factor and Nick can't resist flying to America to give him a shoulder to cry on. Told through flashbacks, this is a story of getting together and getting back together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	loose lips sink ship all the damn time (not this time)

**Author's Note:**

> title is from Taylor Swift's I Know Places
> 
> Huge thanks to [ V ](http://radioactiveblood-nuclearheart.tumblr.com) not only for the incredible [ fanmix ](http://8tracks.com/radioactiveblood/share-my-shower-kiss-my-frame) she made for this story, but also for lending me her ears when I wanted to discuss plot points, word choices and various insecurities. 1000 thanks for helping figuring out the ending as well :):)
> 
> Also, many many kudos to both [ Painting--Words ](http://painting--words.tumblr.com) and [ Froggybangbang ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/FroggyBangBang) who, despite having zero percent (maybe even negative percent) interest in Tomlinshaw, let me whine and whine about how I never thought I'd finish this story. You guys rock <3
> 
> And of course a massive thank you to the big bang mods who worked hard for months to put all of this together. Your dedication is more than commendable!
> 
> Warning: most characters refer loosely to Louis' sex tape as being "underage" despite him being 18 in it. since the age isn't specified in the fic i'm tagging it as underage anyway.

_ Now _

 

The story hits in the early hours of the morning, before Nick’s alarm, and isn’t that fucked up, he can’t help thinking afterwards. How they put it up when it was the middle of the night in America, when Louis was most likely still asleep, at his most vulnerable while the entirety of Europe was waking up to one of the only private thing he had left.

 

It’s only when he finally gets to the car that morning, at least ten minutes later than he usually prefers leaving for the studio, that Nick first notices the missed call. On any other day he’d have seen it sooner, glued to his phone as he is from the moment he opens his eyes. Hell, on any other day, Nick probably wouldn’t have even _missed_ the call. (He’s not sure if he’d have answered it, considering the caller, but he wouldn’t have missed it that’s for sure.)

 

It’s from Louis is the thing. Louis, who he hasn’t talked to in weeks, who he hasn’t heard from ever since he left for his stadium tour all around the bloody _world._ Louis who broke his heart like it was nothing, whose heart he probably broke right back. If he still allowed himself some self-pity over their doomed romance, Nick would say that Louis is the one who got away, the one he let get away. It’s been months though and he’s trying, oh so hard, to get over it and move on, so he doesn’t. He doesn’t think anything about it, he never mentions it and if maybe he’s a bit more weepy than usual when he’s drunk these days then no one has to know why.

 

Nick stares at the notifications on his phone that claims he has a missed call and a new voicemail from _The Pest <3 _and lets them do funny things to his heart for a second, twisting it painfully as he wonders what on Earth it could possibly means. The car drives on and he feels slightly sick, a bit terrified of what he’ll find in that stupid voicemail. They don’t call each other. They never did. Texted? Almost everyday. Snapchatted? On occasion. But no phone calls, not really, and most certainly not since Louis left. Clean cut break-up and all. They agreed. Well, sort of.

 

Nick would never admit it to another soul afterwards but somehow, in those few seconds after seeing the missed call for the first time, he knows it’s going to be something awful. He’s not sure how or why, but he feels dread settle in his bones uncomfortably, clinging to him without his consent.

 

He quickly convinces himself not to listen to it before work, worried that whatever Louis has to say will distract him from the show. A logical thought process, he likes to think, but as time ticks by and the drive drags on, Nick finds himself growing more and more anxious, imagining a thousand different scenarios and potential meaning for the call. It’s not productive, but he can’t really help himself, one of his legs twitching against the front seat as he tries to talk himself down. Nick embarrassingly lasts about nine minutes against his weak mental arguments before pressing his phone to his ear and giving in. He just has to know.

 

“Hey....” Louis starts before clearing his throat. He sounds tired, Nick notices. “Listen, I don’t...,” he hesitates for a moment. “I know you have the show and everything, but I was wondering if maybe you’d,” Louis clears his throat again. There’s something wrong, Nick can tell. “If maybe you’d wanna come over?” He ends up saying in a small voice and Nick doesn’t understand.

 

Louis is on tour. He’s in America. The United States of. He doesn’t need Nick to come over. Why would he? They’re not a couple. They’ve talked about this. Well, they sort of talked about this, but it was obviously for the best, what with neither of them being quite ready for what going long-distance implied. No matter how much it hurt Nick to call it quit, they’ve made the decision like adults and Nick thought they’d do the mature thing now and go back to ignoring each other for the rest of their lives, or until it stops hurting. Whichever comes first. Though Nick can’t imagine a time when Louis’ name won’t make him feel like utter shit, like he’s been cut open and all the tiny pieces of him have been scattered around, if he’s completely honest with himself.

 

“I… Hum.” Louis gulps. “I don’t know if you saw?” he asks and then starts laughing self-deprecatingly. It sounds sad and it feels like a punch in the gut. Nick has the irrational desire to reach inside his phone to wrap Louis up in his arms and never let go. “I don’t see how you couldn’t have,” Louis continues quickly. “It’s all over, isn’t it? No escaping it really,” Louis is talking faster now, like he’s trying to get rid of the sentences, push them out of his small, compact body as quickly as possible. “Not a bloody person in the world who hasn’t fucking-” he stops himself then and Nick swears he can hear Louis sniffing. “You know what, never mind. It was stupid. I don’t know why I called. Of course you can’t-” Louis stops for more than a second then. “Have a nice show, you don’t have to call me back.”

 

Nick stares at his phone in confusion. “What the… ?” he mutters to himself.

 

He can’t afford the time to find out what Louis was going on about though because he’s arrived at the studio and he really does need to get a move on before Fincham comes and fetch him himself. He doesn’t really have to worry though because his team pounces on him as soon as he enters.

 

“Oh my God, did you see it?!” Matt asks dramatically, grasping Nick’s arm tightly. Not the welcome he was quite expecting.

 

“What's with you? I’m almost late, aren’t you annoyed?” Nick asks half-teasingly, half-confused. Lateness is a thing that greatly annoys Matt Fincham. He should be upset or at least a bit disappointed about that fact. Not… Whatever he is right now.

 

“Not when there’s a One Direction scandal happening!” Matt replies quickly, not bothering to stop for a breath, like this is too huge for him to even pause, and Nick’s heart stops beating.

 

“What?” he asks, already dreading the answer, already suspecting what this might be about. Please not that _,_ he thinks quickly. Anything but that.

 

“Louis Tomlinson is gay,” Fiona announces and she sounds calm at least.

 

“That’s not a scandal,” Nick replies automatically even though he feels slightly sick. He needs to call Louis back. Now.

 

“No,” Fiona agrees quickly. “But his underage gay sex tape is.”

 

Nick’s eyes widen slowly as he’s trying to make sense of what Fiona just said. There’s _no way_. Louis wouldn't have. Not in his position. He’d never risk it. Louis hadn’t even wanted to tell his bloody bandmates about the two of them, there’s no way he went around filming himself having sex with blokes, Nick thinks automatically. That makes no sense.

 

“Must be a lookalike. Or something,” Nick mumbles, unease expending in his chest each time he breathes.

 

Unless it was him Louis was ashamed of and not liking cocks.

 

“Doesn’t seem like it,” Matt adds, showing Nick a Daily Mail article featuring censored explicit screenshots of said video.

 

“Fuck,” Nick mutters, nervously passing a hand through his quiff. That’s Louis. That’s definitely Louis. “Fuck.”

 

“Poor dude,” Matt says, eyes fixed on Louis’ young face on the computer’s screen.

 

It’s before the X-Factor. Or during. He looks young, way too young, and it makes Nick feel queasy, uncomfortable like someone, something, is scratching at his inside in protest. There are so many things he wants to say, but he forces them all down. This is private, something that wasn’t meant to matter, or meant to be seen. This certainly wasn’t meant to be used against Louis. Made way back when, before Louis even knew his sex life would somehow matter to the world, that _he_ would matter to the world. Seeing it splashed everywhere makes Nick irrationally furious and he wants to punch whoever is responsible, feels the uncontrollable desire to burn down the Daily Mail’s offices, just for starters.

 

“Fuck,” Nick says again, every other words seemingly erased from his vocabulary, and he feels tears prickling at the corner of his eyes, but he’s not going to cry, not here, not for this. He can’t. Louis must be… He doesn’t even want to think about it, doesn’t even want to imagine Louis, so far away, trying to deal with this. He can still hear his small voice. _Maybe you’d wanna come over?_

 

“It’s everywhere,” Fiona claims sadly. “Can’t imagine a worst way to be outed,” she continues and that’s when Nick loses it and his eyes finally fill with tears.

 

“Nick?” Matt asks, worried, when he notices that Nick is crying.

 

He’s more angry than sad, but he can’t stop the tears from coming.

 

“I have to go,” Nick says quickly. He thinks he might actually puke. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he starts babbling incoherently. “I can’t do the show today. I can’t do the show… for a while. I have to go.”

 

“Hey, it’s okay. Calm down. You’re okay. What’s going on?” Matt is asking the questions quickly, but in his softest, nicest voice while Fiona rubs his arm soothingly.

 

Nick doesn’t even have the time to appreciate how fucking great his team is, but he mentally promises himself to buy them gifts when he’s not two seconds away from a breakdown.

 

“I have to go to America.” Nick simply says, one big hand covering his eyes, trying to stop the embarrassing flow of tears. If Louis were here, and if this were about anything else, he’d probably make fun of Nick for being such a proper drama queen. “Bloody fuck. I need… I need a plane ticket and … I need to pack.”

 

“Nick, babe, you’re not making sense,” Fiona whispers against his shoulder. “Why don’t you go home and rest, we’ll find someone to take over for today, yeah?”

 

She makes eyes at Matt above Nick's head, he can’t see it but he knows she does, and Matt clears his throat before leaving, probably to find Nick a replacement. Ideally someone not having a complete freak out over what, they assume, is essentially a stranger being outed.

 

“I need to go Fifi,” Nick says exasperated because she doesn’t understand, none of them do. Well, none of them would of course. It’s not like they know what happened between him and Louis. No one did. Nick doesn’t even know where to begin explaining this.

 

"Why?" She asks and as she does so, her eyes widens slowly. "Nicholas Peter Grimshaw, why do you have to go see Louis Tomlinson in America?!!" she demands with a tone that says she's already figured it out.

 

Nick feels exposed after months of keeping this big secret, keeping this huge part of his life private. It still feels like he shouldn’t say anything, like he’s betraying his and Louis’ relationship. Ex-relationship. Ex-non-relationship.

 

“You're dating him, aren’t you?" Fiona continues, certain of herself and not even giving him a second to answer. Not that he was going to.

 

"No," he protests softly and it’s not technically a lie.

 

"Nick-"

 

"We're not dating," Nick interrupts exasperated.

 

He doesn't have the time to explain the complexity of his relationship with Louis to his coworkers. It doesn't matter that him and Louis aren't dating. He still has to go. Louis wants him there. Or wanted him there. At some point during this freak show Louis wanted him to be there and Nick is not going to disappoint him. Besides, he wants to be there too.

 

Fiona sighs like she doesn't believe him for one second, crossing her arms tightly under chest, trying to appear more authoritative than she is. It's slightly worrying that she figured it out this quickly, if Nick is honest with himself. He's always been so careful. He hasn’t said anything even when his chest felt like it was going to rip apart and no one could see it.

 

"Anymore," he finally adds, eyes fixed on her shoes.

 

Fiona doesn't reply straight away. Her face does that thing where Nick can tell she feels sorry for him, but she doesn't want him to figure it out so she tries to remain neutral. And mostly fail. She doesn't look neutral at all, she looks almost pitying from where Nick is stealing glances at her with his head still bowed down, hiding under his mop of hair.

 

"Listen... I can't pretend to understand what you feel or even understand the fact that you were dating Louis Fucking Tomlinson in secret - ", she says his name in a rushed whisper, makes it sound dirty and awful. Nick doesn't like it. "- but I don't think going there is a good idea love. The last thing he needs is his ex showing up... For once in your life be reasonable."

 

“I’m always reasonable,” Nick quickly argues back before shaking his head. He has other priorities right now than to defend his own honour. He starts fumbling for his phone, hoping the voicemail will be proof enough for her to understand. He has to go. He just has to.

 

"Here," he says shakily. " I don't want to make things harder for him Fifi. But I can't not go."

 

Fiona doesn't reply straight away, she takes her time to listen. She looks sad.

 

"Okay," she ends up simply saying once Louis’ voicemail is over. “Okay.”

 

“I have to.”

 

“Yeah,” Fiona agrees slowly and Nick’s heart skips a beat. “You do.”

 

He didn’t expect her to be so easily convinced, never imagined she’d agree wholeheartedly without him having to argue for it, but he feels grateful either way.

 

“You’re properly fucked over him, aren’t you?” she asks contemplatively. She frowns a little bit, like she’s still trying to make sense of it, like she's trying to put the puzzle pieces together and none of them fit. 

 

Nick laughs wetly, feeling like he’s going to - embarrassingly - start crying again.  “Fifi, you have no idea,” he replies in a whimper, shaking his head disbelievingly.

 

He’s been claiming to be ready for commitment and a proper relationship for months now, years really. Grown up job, mortgage, dogs and kids included; the whole package. He never really expected to want one with Louis Tomlinson, of all people. Still, feelings pretty dumb like that, so Nick hugs Fiona goodbye, whispering an apology in her shoulder as she rubs his back affectionately, and he decides not to think about it for too long, focusing his energy on trying to find someone willing to take care of Pig for a few days.

 

_ Then _

 

It all starts at an after-party for the _Class of “92_ premiere where Nick doesn’t make the best impression.

 

When he sees Louis in the loo, he’s drunk; partly on his father’s pride, but mostly on the many shots he’s been doing since the movie has ended. He’s feeling loose, happy, and Louis looks absolutely - irritatingly - ravishing. Of course, Nick always thinks that Louis Tomlinson looks ravishing, it’s a bit of an issue he has, but that night, there’s something especially exquisite about him. Nick shouldn’t do anything about it. He knows that. He’s always known that. Especially considering the fact that they don’t really like each other. Nick is drunk though, very drunk, and, for a moment there, he actually forgets that Louis and him have an antagonistic relationship at best.

 

“Louis Tomlinson!” he yells, unable to stop a huge grin from forming onto his face. Stupid, uncontrollable face, he thinks fiercely as soon as it's out of his mouth.

 

Louis’ back is to him while he washes his hands, skinny jeans moulding his shapely legs and making Nick feel a bit unbalanced, a bit giggly.

 

Louis jumps slightly at the noise, turning his head to give Nick a confused look. “Nick Grimshaw,” he replies with one hundred percent less enthusiasm.

 

“You look ravishing,” Nick blurts. He’s so far gone he doesn’t even hate himself for it.

 

“Right,” Louis says with an eyebrow raise, his mouth twisted in an unattractive, confused grimace.

 

“I’m not supposed to say that because we’re mortal enemies,” Nick whispers loudly. “But you do.” He nods solemnly. “You always do.”

 

“Right,” Louis says slowly, disbelievingly. 

 

Nick hums his agreement, nodding repeatedly, eyes fixed on Louis' thighs.

 

“What are you doing here again?” Louis asks and Nick knows, somewhere in his incapacitated brain, that he’s deflecting, trying to stir the conversation in a new direction. He can’t be upset about it though, not when Louis is voluntarily talking to him.

 

“I was invited,” Nick says with a snort. “Duh.”

 

“Not really your area though, is it?” Louis replies teasingly. He looks hot with his scruff and black clothes. It’s not really fair.

 

Nick gasps, mockingly putting a hand on his chest. “Parties are my biggest area. How dare you.”

 

Louis smiles at Nick's comment. It’s tiny, contained, barely a little lift of the corner of his mouth, but he smiles. “I meant football.”

 

“Love the football, me. Marvellous game. And films! My two favourite things!” Nick is talking rubbish. He knows he is but his head is mostly fuzzy and Louis’ presence is making it hard to think, him just standing there looking all tanned and gorgeous, making Nick a bit breathless and a lot confused.

 

“You hate films,” Louis protests. “And you think football is pointless.”

 

Nick opens his mouth to argue, when he realizes that this is a very strange thing for Louis Tomlinson to say. From anyone else who actually knows him or from people who listen to him five mornings a week, it would make sense. Not from Louis Tomlinson from One Direction.

 

Nick closes his mouth and gives Louis a pointed look. “Do you listen to my show, Louis Tomlinson?"

 

Louis snorts. “You’re drunk.”

 

“Not the point, but yes,” Nick agrees amicably. “Very.”

 

“The point is you hate those things.”

 

“I’m a laddy lad,” Nick rolls his eyes as he says it. It's pretty obvious; he’s not sure why he even needs to say it anymore. “I like doing laddy things… with…”

 

“The lads?” Louis offers mockingly with a smirk. He looks smug, but amused. Nick’s never really made Louis Tomlinson amused before, it makes his heart race a little.

 

“Yep, that,” he says, snapping his fingers. “Me and my bros,” he adds in a fake American accent. This is slowly edging into disastrous territory.

 

“Aren’t at least 75% of your friends women?” Louis asks, tone still slightly mocking.

 

Nick shakes his head, even if it’s mostly true. “You know, for someone who hates me, you know a lot about me.”

 

“I don’t,” Louis automatically replies. “Well, I mean… Harry’s my friend. You’re Harry’s friend. Of course I know stuff,” he adds quickly.

 

He looks uncomfortable and it makes Nick sad. He’s about to comment, to reassure Louis that he was only teasing. He knows Louis doesn’t care enough to know the details of his life after all. Nick isn’t deluding himself here. He doesn’t have the time to babble any of this though because Louis leaves with a rushed, high-pitched;  “I gotta go!”

 

Nick opens his mouth and raises an index slowly in protest before frowning and turning towards the row of mirrors. “That,” he starts saying to his reflection with a nod, “was really bad.”

 

*

 

Stumbling back home from the party, Nick figured that this was it. He would never be able to face Louis Tomlinson ever again. End of story.

 

That is until he receives an angry text from an unknown number during the show, three days after the premiere.

 

 _Your show is nowhere near as funny as you think it is_ , the text simply says and Nick’s first reaction is intense bewilderment. Those are the types of comments he usually receives on twitter, not in his private messages.

 

 _Who is this??_ he texts back despite Matt giving dirty looks to his phone.

 

He only receives three passive-aggressive dots back and he’s starting to feel mildly irritated. He most certainly doesn’t want to have to deal with the hassle of changing his number if someone got hold of it.

 

 _Louis,_ the next text reads and Nick’s heart skips a beat.

 

“Fuck,” he mutters under his breath, glad he has still a couple of minutes before his next link to recuperate.

 

“Don’t swear on air!” Matt says quickly and Nick can’t help his massive eye roll.

 

“I’m not actually an idiot Finchy, I wouldn’t swear during a link.”

 

 _Who?_ he sends back cheekily, hoping it seems as confident as he’s trying to project. He feels nothing as such, but there’s no shame in faking it.

 

“What’s up with you anyway?” Fiona asks, interrupting his worrying thoughts. “You’ve been glued to your phone more than usual.”

 

“I have not,” Nick protests, eyes still fixed on the screen, waiting impatiently for Louis’ reply.

 

“Mmmmm,” Fiona hums. “Is it Harry? Is he disturbing you at work again?” she teases and the whole crew laughs at the comment.

 

“This is slander,” Nick argues weakly, too wrapped up in the virtual conversation he’s in the middle of to properly defend himself against his team’s mockery. He’s used to it anyway.

 

_You know who I am Grimshaw._

 

 _Calm down Tomlinson, no needs to get your panties all twisted. I’m joking._ Nick waits a few seconds before adding: _So you do listen to the show uh?_

 

The reply comes barely a few seconds later. Nick is almost impressed.

 

_Everybody does. It’s radio 1. It’s background noises in the morning. It’s nothing…._

 

Nick grins as soon as he sees it. _A tad defensive there love?_

 

_I am not. It’s a text. It doesn’t have a tone. Stop fantasizing._

 

 _Better and better,_ Nick replies, winking at Matt who looks about ready to strangle him.

 

Louis doesn’t send anything else that day, but Nick, despite feeling a bit nervy and confused about it, knows that he’s touched a nerve there. Especially considering that after some googling - stalking, Nick’s conscience argues - he’s discovered that the boys of One Direction are currently in America. Which means - probably, maybe, hopefully - that not only does Louis listens to his show, but Louis listens to his show despite the time difference, and _that_ is interesting.

 

*

 

He receives another insulting text the next morning. It’s about his hair, this time, and it’s witty, it's fun. It’s bloody offensive too, of course, but somehow still charming, and Nick feels a bit breathless and delighted as he replies half-mockingly. They banter back and forth until Matt confiscates his phone on the pretext it’s a disruptive influence. Nick can’t really blame Finchy. It is a distraction and he spends the rest of the show with a pounding heart, wondering what the hell it all means.

 

There’s another text the morning after that.

 

And the next.

 

At that point, Nick is pretty sure they’re flirting.

 

_ Now _

 

By the time Nick’s flight arrives in Chicago, Louis’ biological father is on the cover of The Sun claiming disappointment over his son’s irresponsibility. Nick is tired and cranky, exhausted from every single minute of the long plane ride spent worrying, nervously passing shaky fingers through his quiff over and over again and mentally ranting at the absolute cock who betrayed Louis’ trust and sold an intimate video of them. He probably looks a mess and he doesn’t even care a single bit. He feels a mess anyway so what does it matter.

 

He goes through customs in a raging daze, anger fuelled not only by Louis’ father’s quotes, but by every single unsupportive comments on the article claiming Louis to be a disgrace, a pervert. He should have known better than to put Louis on Google alert, should have known better than to keep reading about the situation - he still stubbornly refuses to call it a scandal - but he can’t help himself. He has to know. He has to know everything and now he wants to throw up or scream with how fucked up every single part of this mess is. Nick wants to punch something, someone, but more importantly he wants to see his boy. Even if Louis hasn’t been his boy for weeks.

 

He tries to call Louis as soon as he gets his luggage, fingers crossed tightly that he’s opened his phone again somehow. Otherwise Nick will have some pretty awkward One Direction stalking to do to figure out which hotel they’re staying at and even though he is proper obsessed with the band that’s not the type of behaviour he ever expected to have to display. Nick lets it ring for a long, long time, getting slowly lulled by the repetitiveness of the sound. He’s about to hang up when someone finally picks up the phone.

 

“Nick!” Louis says, a little breathless.

 

“Hey popstar,” Nick replies softly.

 

It’s been months since they’ve actually talked, months since he’s heard Louis’ voice meant for him and him alone. In real time and everything. It almost feels like a treat, almost feels like everything he's been longing for. Louis doesn’t say anything though, he just breathes loudly on the line, a hint jerky, and Nick is reminded how terrible this all is. He’s going to have to take charge of this one, he can tell, and it’s slightly terrifying. He’s not sure he’s a good enough person to comfort Louis through this. He's not sure he knows how to. 

 

“You holding up okay?” Nick asks. It’s a stupid question, of course it is, but he can’t help himself. For all the talking he does for a living, he suddenly doesn’t have any words left, not for something like this. It’s too big somehow. It's too much. 

 

Louis just hums.

 

“Where are you guys?”

 

“The hotel,” Louis replies automatically.

 

Nick laughs softly, eyes closed. Surrounded by strangers, he's living only for the voice on the other side of his phone.

 

“Yeah, I assumed. I meant which hotel? You didn’t include the information in your invite…”

 

Louis gasps, a tiny little thing, barely audible. “You…” he starts hesitantly. “You want to come?”

 

“I’m at the Chicago International Airport, aren’t I?” Nick says self-deprecatingly.

 

“You’re here,” Louis says in a rough voice. He sounds surprised.

 

“‘Course I’m here,” Nick replies like it’s obvious. “Wouldn’t be anywhere else, me. Not when there’s a crisis going on.”

 

There’s a little silence on the other side of the line before Louis whispers “fuck” and Nick gets sort of nervous, like maybe he misinterpreted Louis’ message, like maybe he shouldn’t have come at all.

 

“So, you gonna tell me where you five divas are staying then?” he jokingly asks, trying to hide how terrified he truly feels. “Since I went to another country and all. Flew to a whole other continent just to see you Tomlinson.”

 

“Yeah, yeah. Of course. I’ll… Hang on, I’ll tell Alberto. He can send a car for you,” Louis babbles quickly.

 

“It’s fine -” Nick starts saying, wanting to claim he can take a cab just fine, but he’s interrupted almost as soon as he opens his mouth.

 

“No!” Louis says firmly. “It’s a bit of… A bit of a mess here, there’s fans and paps outside the hotel, it’s gonna be easier that way. Sorry, it’s just…”

 

“Not your fault,” Nick whispers.

 

Louis laughs sadly. “Kind of is.”

 

Nick has to stop himself from commenting right here and there because this is something that requires more than a random comment on the phone. So he just sighs sadly, hoping it conveys his disapproval.

 

“I’ll see you soon,” Nick ends up saying before hanging up, too emotional to even consider adding anything else.

 

*

 

It takes what feels like a small eternity for the car to pick him up and even longer to drive from the airport to the hotel. Nick knows it probably seems worse than it actually is but he feels like he’s going to vibrate out of his body if he doesn’t arrive soon. He doesn’t know what to expect, doesn’t know what he’ll do, what Louis will do or even what the rest of One Direction will do. It makes him feel restless and he ends up having to hide both hands underneath his thighs to stop himself from messing with his quiff nervously over and over again. It definitely doesn’t need more mistreatment. He already probably looks awful, what with jetlag taking a toll on him. 

 

It’s only a lifetime later that he finally gets to Louis’ door and his anxious sickness has only managed to get worse. He’s nervous, proper nervous, even though it’s just Lou. It’s not though, he reminds himself. It’s not just Louis. It’s Louis and his band. It’s their handlers, their bodyguards, their stylists… Every single person working on this tour is going to have an opinion on Nick being here and he’s not sure he feels quite ready to handle that. He wonders briefly what Louis told them to explain his arrival as he waits for someone to open the door.

 

It’s pretty clear Louis hasn’t said anything though because when Harry finally answers his mouth slacks in apparent surprise, eyes widening for a second before he frowns in confusion.

 

“Grimmy?” he asks mechanically. “What are you doing here?”

 

“Hi H,” Nick replies slowly, trying to buy himself some time.

 

Louis obviously didn’t say anything and Nick is not sure how much he’s allowed to tell, what Louis wants him to say. More specially, Nick doesn’t know what Louis _doesn’t_ want him to say.

 

“What the-’ Harry starts before shaking his head and wrapping an arm around Nick’s shoulder, bringing him in for a hug. Even half-heartedly, his hugs are some of the best so Nick lets himself enjoy it for a second, pretending he feels comforted.

 

“Hey, hi,” Nick babbles again in Harry’s shoulder. He’s gonna have to admit it. He’s gonna have to admit to being a disgusting liar to one of his best friend. Every part of this mess sucks. “Is Louis here?” he finally asks because he can’t exactly pretend he’s here for any other reason.

 

Harry disentangles himself, looking even more confused. “You’re Louis’ friend? The one he said was coming for moral support?” he makes some quotation marks with his fingers and it makes Nick giggles nervously. Moral support. What a joke. Like he’s ever been any good at that.

 

“Surprise,” Nick says jokingly and he feels like an absolute dick the moment it’s out of his mouth. God, it’ll be a miracle if Harry even wants to still speak to him after all of this.

 

“I don’t understand,” Harry admits and he’s not laughing. Of course he’s not. “You and Lou aren’t friends. You hate each other.”

 

Nick smiles ruefully and shakes his head, standing hunched a little against the door. “Yeah, he’s a proper brat, but turns out I kinda like him anyway.” He sighs helplessly, shoulders dropping.  “Can I come in?” he asks timidly, gesturing towards the room.

 

Harry nods and silently moves out of the doorway, walking inside the suite and its luxuriousness only reminds Nick of how big of deal this whole thing is, how big of a deal Louis is. It’s tensed, awkward and Nick hates everything. Every single thing. Harry’s one of his best pals. It’s not meant to be this way.

 

“He fell asleep a while ago,” Harry says pointing to a sofa where Louis is nestled against Zayn’s shoulder, folded up, making himself as small as possible even in sleep.

 

Zayn blissfully doesn’t comment on Nick’s presence or even looks at him funny, he just smiles a little sadly and nods in Nick’s direction, careful not to jostle Louis. Nick smiles back tightly. He’s always suspected Zayn to know more than he let on.

 

Liam and Niall are sitting on the floor, close to the sofa, and they just look at each other.

 

“Hey,” Niall says carefully. He doesn’t add anything else but his face says everything really. He’s not his usual charming self, looking serious and sombre like Nick’s never seen him before. He looks like a completely different person for a second there. It’s troubling.

 

“Hi One Direction,” Nick whispers as he sits in front of them, feeling already too old and too out of place.

 

“So you and Louis?” Liam asks, straight to the point and protective. Harry, who immediately snuggled next to his band and has at least half of his limbs on both Liam and Niall, gives Nick a pointed look.

 

There’s no getting out of this.

 

“I just wanted to make sure he was okay,” Nick mumbles, playing with a thread on his skinny jeans. He’s being interrogated by infants and he can’t even stand for himself, can't even look at them in the eyes. He needs a lie in and some time to think. Maybe a talk with Louis to decide how to deal with this.

 

“Why?” Liam asks.

 

He’s not trying to be mean or rude, Nick doesn’t think, but Liam looks on edge, they all do really, and Nick doesn’t know what to say to make it better. He doesn’t think anything he has to say to them could make any of this better. It’s not even his responsibility, but Nick would like to dare anyone to look at those exhausted looking, sad faced boys and not feel like they have to fix it. This is the biggest media crisis they’ve ever faced and Nick doesn’t belong here. They’re bound to be defensive.

 

“‘Cause he asked me to come?” Nick replies uncertainly.

 

“Why?” Liam repeats coldly, his face remaining impersonal.

 

Nick laughs sincerely at the question. “Fuck if I know. I’m the worst at these things. Can’t take anything seriously, ever…. Dunno what he was thinking really.”

 

Harry laughs softly at the comment, giving Nick a tiny smile and they all relax a little, their posture loosening slightly. Nick feels like he can breathe for the first time since he entered the room.

 

“I didn’t know you two were…” Niall starts gesticulating, clearly hoping Nick will clarify the nature of their relationship for him.

 

Nick shrugs. “We are” he simply says, ambiguous enough, or at least he hopes so. “Well we aren’t”, he adds quickly, changing his mind. He needs to shut the hell up. “Not anymore, anyway,” he keeps going, smiling nervously, biting on his lower lip. This is bad. “It’s complicated,” he finally admits with a defeated sigh.

 

Liam and Niall both offer him a small sad smile, but it’s Harry’s reaction, or lack of one, that Nick is focused on. He doesn’t say anything. He barely moves, eyes fixed on the floor, openly ignoring Nick. Not good _,_ Nick thinks and he’s about to apologize, to try and say something, anything, to make this better when Louis mumbles in Zayn’s shoulder. Liam, Niall and Harry all turn towards the sofa in synch, focused, as they always are, towards each other. Nick can’t help but feel endeared at the sight. It might be co-dependency but no one can say One Direction doesn’t genuinely love each other. It’s comforting, in a way.

 

“How is he?” Nick asks softly and Liam simply sighs in response. Nick gulps. “That bad uh?”

 

“You know how he is,” Liam replies with an eye roll. He looks sad. “He’s been half jokingly making a list of ways to kill that guy, the guy from the video, and half pretending nothing important happened… Like we don’t know him enough to know he’s upset! Fucks sake! He didn’t even tell _us_ he was into guys like that and we’re supposed to believe he’s okay with everybody being able to Google his business??!”

 

“Liam,” Harry whispers, eying the sofa and slowly rubbing at his bandmate’s shoulder. He looks heartbroken. Nick thinks he might throw up if he keeps staring at those sad green eyes.

 

“Sorry,” Liam says, keeping his voice down. “It’s just... “ He sighs, frustrated, and shakes his head a little.

 

“A lot,” Niall adds with a small sad smile. “Not that it bothers us,” he quickly says towards Nick.

 

“S’not like it’s a big surprise anyway,” Zayn says from his perch on the sofa where he’s still rubbing Louis’ back softly, careful not to wake him.

 

“Yeah, I mean… We thought he might… You know?” Liam mumbles uncomfortably and it’s a bit sweet, is all, how he’s definitely trying to be as supportive as possible but clearly doesn’t know how.

 

“Like penises?” Nick deadpans, looking straight into Liam’s eyes. He blushes a little in response.

 

“Well, I mean… We thought he might not be straight, which is fine. We don’t care.”

 

“Course it’s fine, shut up Liam,” Harry sounds a bit offended. “Doesn’t even matter.”

 

“Harry’s right,” Niall agrees. “His privacy was violated, that’s what’s important here. We need to just be there for him and let him talk about his feelings and stuff.”

 

“Not talking behind me back would be a good start,” Louis says sarcastically, head still hidden in Zayn shoulder.

 

They all stiffen at the comment.

 

“I didn’t mean -” Niall starts.

 

“It doesn’t matter,” Louis replies, abruptly uncurling himself and getting up.

 

“Lou,” Nick says, getting up too, trying to reach out to his boy. He looks tensed and defensive, eyes fixed to a point on the wall, unwilling to truly face any of them.

 

“You all knew I was gay, good on you. The entire bloody world already knew it too so it hardly matters, no need to keep going on and on about it clearly,” Louis continues quickly, ignoring Nick entirely.

 

“Louis that’s not what I -” Liam tries to argue weakly. He looks so sad, face crestfallen and devastated. Nick thinks he can see some tears in his eyes and it’s just too much. All of it.

 

“No -” Louis interrupts. “Me being a faggot is clearly old news so you can all shut up about it. I’m fine. It doesn’t matter.” He says _faggot_ quickly, angrily, like he’s verbally ripping off a plaster and going through it as fast as possible will make it okay.

 

“Don’t say that!” Harry protests, alarmed eyes turning towards Nick.

 

“Yeah, don’t call yourself that mate,” Niall continues, pressing a hand against Louis’ joggers. “There’s gonna be enough fuckers doin’ it on twitter I reckon.”

 

Louis sighs and moves slightly to the left, out of Niall’s reach. “Everybody knew I was gay then, am I being politically correct enough for you about my sexuality?” he mutters angrily.

 

Niall gulps and looks to the floor, cheeks reddening in embarrassment. This is awful. Nick feels like he has about a million awkward limbs and doesn’t know what to do with any of them.

 

“Lou,” Zayn sighs. “We’re just worried about you.”

 

“This is shit,” Liam says. “We just want you to be okay bro.”

 

“It’s fine,” Louis says firmly, walking towards the bedroom room, running away from them all.

 

“Please Lou, we just want to talk,” Harry calls after him.

 

Louis stops in the doorway, hesitating. He turns back towards them. “You comin’ Nick?” he says nervously and for a second there Nick can't move. 

 

_ Then _

 

It all comes to a halt the morning Louis texts him _Don’t you ever just SHUT UP_ during the show and Nick can’t take anymore of this aggressive half-flirting. It’s been days of insults and constant attention from Louis and Nick feels so on edge he thinks he might go mad with it.

 

He sends a bold _Listen darling, if you wanted my attention all you had to do was ask,_ hoping it’ll shake the status quo a little.

 

He doesn’t expect complete silence on Louis’ ends but that’s what he gets anyway and he hates himself for it a little bit. He’s ruined everything.

 

He gets through the rest of the show in a daze, irrationally upset for ruining a thing that wasn’t even a thing, and when he gets home he wraps himself into a blanket in front old British bake-off reruns and cuddles Pig all afternoon. She never flirtingly says bad stuff about Nick and then promptly ignores him afterwards at least. She does pout a little if he forgets to feed her at a certain time or if he’s withholding treats, but she’s nowhere near as rude as that Tomlinson boy he has an unfortunate crush on. She’s cuter too, all in all a better life partner. Nick is going to die alone. It’s all fine.

 

“You wouldn’t abandon me, would you Pig dog?” Nick says, his hands buried in her neck.

 

She whines softly and cuddles closer.

 

“No, you wouldn't. I’m not alone, I’ve got you don’t I? Yes I do, you’re a good dog.”

 

He goes to bed still torn up about it.

 

*

 

It takes two days but Louis does end up replying. Three texts in a row that make Nick stop in the cereal aisle at Tesco as he gapes at his phone in shock.

 

_FINE. We can go on a date if you insist._

 

_At your place and you have to cook._

 

_I’m back on the 8th before the European promo, then or never, your call Grimshaw._

 

He’s having a hallucination. Probably. There’s no way he’s reading what he thinks he’s reading that makes no sense at all.

 

He looks ridiculous, he knows, with a hand dramatically pressed against his heart, staring at his phone in shock but he can’t help himself. Louis Tomlinson just demanded a date with him. _A date._ An actual date.

 

“What the-” he whispers to himself.

 

He feels a bit foolish, heart beating furiously in his chest, excited and terrified at the same time. What is he supposed to reply? He’s terrible at this. He’s a terrible date and an average cook, how is he supposed to impress Louis with those skills? Still. He takes a deep breath and replies that he’d love to cook Louis dinner on the 8th. He has a couple of days to mentally prepare himself for it anyway. It’s going to be fine.

 

*

 

It’s not fine.

 

The day of Nick’s date with Louis arrives faster than he expected and he feels slightly cheated and disoriented by that fact. How is it possible for an event he has literally been having a countdown for to still take him by surprise this way?

 

He wakes up suddenly with a mouthful of fur, going from a tight ball of unconscious stress to a conscious one, and he doesn’t even have the energy to scowl Pig for sleeping in his bed, even though she knows very well she isn’t allowed in there.

 

If Nick were anything but a stubborn man, he'd make something easy, simple. He'd make something he's done a hundred times, something he's cooked for himself before. He's never cooked anything date-worthy for himself before though. And he _is_ a stubborn man. He knows a challenge when he sees one. Nick is going to dazzle that popstar if it’s the last thing he ever does.

 

He still spends most of the day completely freaking out about every single details of the evening. 

 

He devotes his morning, and part of the afternoon, to cleaning up his flat excessively and it’s not until the early evening that he starts on his masterpiece. Chicken tikka masala with rice and a salad, nothing too complicated yet still flavoury enough to make an impression. At least according to Jamie Oliver’s website. Nick, of course, has never made it before but he has faith. Sort of.

 

By the time the doorbell rings at 7:30, everything is almost ready and the process went as smoothly as possible. Nick actually feels sort of proud. It’s mostly erased by the utter and soul-crushing anxiety he feels at the prospect of spending the entire evening with Louis Tomlinson. Alone with Louis Tomlinson.

 

Nick wouldn’t call himself a great date. He rarely actually date people, his track record being what it is, but he’s never felt so nervous about a boy before. It makes him feel a bit stupid. He’s had dates with models, some of the most beautiful men on Earth, and yet a dinner with a mouthy popstar is what seems to be his demise?  It’s Louis though, Louis Tomlinson whom he’s had a _sort of we don’t really talk about it_ crush on since his X-Factor days. He really wants to see where this goes, really want this to go somewhere, as embarrassed as the fact makes him feel.

 

“Hey,” Nick says with as much confidence as he can muster as soon as he opens the door. It’s not much but his voice isn’t shaking at least.

 

“Hey,” Louis answers back and he, on the other hand, actually sounds nervous.

 

He quickly pushes through and gets in, probably unwilling to spend an unnecessary amount of time at Nick’s door. Nick rarely gets plagued with paparazzi on his doorsteps but one can never be too careful. He can't really blame Louis for being a bit paranoid, what with the way his life is at the moment.

 

“So…” Nick starts uncertainly. “How was your flight? You’re not too tired?”

 

Louis ignores him and starts taking his coat and shoes off, leaving a mess in Nick’s entry.

 

“Louis?” Nick asks hesitantly.

 

“It was fine,” Louis replies with a dismissive hand gesture. “Babies crying and boring films. You know the drill.”

 

“Right,” Nick agrees. It’s already going wrong. “Hum. Dinner isn’t ready yet so you can sit-” he says, pointing to the sofa. “- and I am going to get you some wine? Or …?”

 

“Wine’s fine,” Louis says already getting comfortable on Nick’s sofa.

 

He’s wearing a cute grey jumper and some skinny jeans, looking cozy and comfortable, like he fits in Nick’s home, Nick’s life.

 

“Too bad this is super awkward,” Nick mumbles to himself as he fetches the wine glasses in the kitchen. This is going to be disastrous. He can tell already. What are they even going to talk about?

 

Nick gets back to Louis as quickly as possible, handing him his wine as he sits down right next to him. _Awkward, awkward, awkward,_ his mind chants.

 

“So,” Nick says.

 

“Shut up,” Louis replies before taking a huge gulp of wine, putting it on the coffee table and pouncing on Nick.

 

“Wha-” Nick starts saying, eyes widening at the boy now in his lap. “What are you doing?”

 

“Let’s make out, yeah?” Louis offers cheekily, with a small shrug, grinding his hips against Nick’s softly and grabbing his hair.

 

It’s too much all at once, like all of Nick’s fantasies coming to life suddenly. He’s probably still asleep somehow because there’s no way this is happening. There’s no way this is Nick’s life and there’s certainly no way this is how his date with Louis Tomlinson goes. His brain can’t compute that. It must be true somehow though because in his imaginary hook-ups with Louis, he’s much smoother.

 

“What about dinner?” Nick asks in a husky voice he barely recognizes as he grabs Louis’ hips tightly. It looks like a creepy porno move, but Nick is mostly hanging on to stop himself from panicking. For a pro of hooking-up, he’s not doing so well right now.

 

Louis bites his lips and lets out a soft moan when he feels Nick’s hands on him. It’s barely there, a soft tiny exhale, but the noise goes straight to Nick’s cock, like a switch’s been flipped, and suddenly it’s obvious that this is the only way it was ever going to go really.

 

Oh _,_ Nick thinks, eyes widening.

 

“Is eating later against your regime Grimshaw?” Louis asks confidently, the nerves from earlier gone from his voice.

 

Nick shakes his head quickly, moving a hand to Louis’ neck, bringing him down for a bruising kiss.

 

They don’t really have to talk.

 

They kiss for a while, aggressively, intensely, and Louis never stops grinding, hips quick and desperate, rubbing his hardening dick against Nick’s, and moaning into his mouth.

 

“Fuck,” Nick finally pants after a few minutes. “Dinner later,” he agrees as Louis starts pressing wet kisses along Nick’s jaw, reaching the place where his neck meet his shoulder and biting. “Louis,” Nick moans, tightening his grip on Louis’ hair, arching in response.

 

“I wanna suck you off,” Louis mumbles in Nick’s skin, letting one of his hands drift off towards Nick’s cock, rubbing a teasing thumb along the length through Nick’s trousers. “Can I?” he asks, backing off from Nick’s neck, staring straight into his eyes with a hint of vulnerability.

 

“‘Course,” Nick replies, voice hoarse and turned on beyond measure. He lets go of Louis’ waist to bring his second hand to Louis’ face, caressing his jaw softly and pressing two quick kisses on Louis’ mouth. “‘Course you can darling,” he adds, the pet name out without Nick’s consent.

 

He untangles them a little, long enough to be able to take his shirt off and unbuttons his trousers, but Louis stops him as soon as he does so, small smirk in the corner of his mouth. He quickly takes over undressing Nick and soon he’s sitting on his sofa, bare-chested and cock out, trousers and pants pooling at his feet with a gorgeous boy kneeling between his thighs. Not that bad of a date after all.

 

Louis doesn’t waste a lot of time, looks almost hungry for it as he starts suckling on the head of Nick’s cock, fingers digging almost painfully in Nick’s thighs when he feels him hardening further in his mouth. He keeps on sucking at the head for a few teasing seconds before licking his way from the base to the top. Nick already feels lightheaded and close to coming not even a minute in but the tight heat of Louis’ mouth is so good that he can’t bring himself to feel embarrassed. He looks at Louis with wide, amazed eyes, panting his way through this, uncertain whether he’s allowed to touch or not.

 

“You can grab my hair,” Louis says a bit too nonchalantly for him not to be at least a bit embarrassed by the request.

 

Nick just nods slowly and grabs a fistful of Louis’ hair, directing him towards his dick again and he opens his mouth automatically, slowly starting to sink onto it. It’s wet, it’s hot and it’s Louis: Nick feels slightly overwhelmed. He tries to anchor himself by pressing a bit more against Louis’ head, moaning when he gets off his dick with a slurp that should be gross but really really isn’t.

 

“You’re really good at this,” Nick says with a groan and Louis only laughs lightly in response, choosing to focus his attention on Nick’s balls instead, taking them in his mouth and wanking Nick off simultaneously.

 

It doesn’t take very long for Louis to get his mouth back on Nick’s cock and start greedily sucking again. He’s humming and moaning loudly every few seconds, the vibrations of it making Nick’s hips buckle into Louis’ face.

 

“Sorry,” Nick gasps after the second time. “Sorry.”

 

Louis simply raises an eyebrow and drops a hand into his jeans to cup and rub his erection in response.

 

“Oh,” Nick whispers before moaning loudly at Louis doing something clever with his tongue.

 

Louis looks so good, all pretty eyelashes and fluffy hair, looking up to Nick like there’s nowhere he’d rather be but right there on his knees. It’s everything all at once and it only takes Louis pressing his tongue on the underside of Nick’s cock and letting out a small humming noise for him to come down Louis’ throat.

 

“Shit, sorry. Lou, I’m sorry. Should’ve warned you,” Nick says, still panting, once he’s done.

 

Louis licks his lower lip and start climbing back on Nick’s lap. “Would have been polite,” he replies and Nick’s not sure if he’s teasing or irritated.

 

Louis doesn’t elaborate though. He just starts fumbling with the zipper of his jeans, one hand on Nick’s shoulder to keep his balance, the other quickly taking his dick out, groaning loudly when he finally manages to squeeze it tightly. It’s probably on the edge of painful and Nick files the information away for next time. Hopefully.

 

“‘S’fine,” Louis slurs, hips undulating as he starts fucking his own fist.

 

He’s mesmerizing.

 

“I’m gonna come on you,” he declares after a while, little satisfied smirk on the corner of his mouth.

 

“Bossy,” Nick replies teasingly, digging his fingers into Louis’ hipbones.

 

“Shut up!” Louis moans.

 

“I don’t think you want me to do that,” Nick laughs, reaching around to grab a handful of Louis’ arse. He’s been dreaming about this arse for almost four years now, if this is his only shot, he’s going to use it well.

 

“Shit,” Louis says. “I’m close.”

 

“Yeah?” Nick teases, deepening his voice and spreading Louis’ cheeks. “Go on, touch yourself. Make a mess on me.”

 

Louis whines loudly, hips jerking one, two times and suddenly he’s coming half across Nick’s chest and half in his dainty hand. “You’re the worst,” he says falling on Nick’s chest, rubbing his cold nose in Nick’s neck. “You need to lend me a jumper, there’s come on this one now,” he adds as he rubs his own dirty hand on it, messing it up even more.

 

“Whose fault is that?” Nick argues back, unable to help himself. Louis really can bring the worst out of him sometimes. He still slips a hand under Louis’ tainted jumper to rub at the small of his back and he has to chuckle a little at the hum of contentment he gets in response.

 

“New jumper, then eating,” Louis mumbles with what appears to be an attempt at authority.

 

Nick laughs. “Eating? Thought you already had?” he says rubbing a finger against Louis lower lip, getting a bite in retaliation.

 

“You’re gross. Clothe and feed me please.”

 

Nick makes a big deal of sighing loudly. “Fine. If you insist. You pest,” he says, digging his fingers into Louis’ ribs, making him shriek and twist in his arms.

 

“Oh my god, Grimshaw. Get off of me,” Louis yells with a laugh, jumping off Nick and the sofa, then sitting down on Nick’s quite expensive, vintage, coffee table. He’s about to mention it when Louis reaches for his wine glass again and starts drinking.

 

Nick sighs, gets up and picks up his clothes from the floor. “I’ll be right back,” he mumbles, feeling self-conscious as he walks across the living room completely naked. It’s only when he’s reached the stairs that Louis whistles teasingly.

 

“Nice bum Grimshaw,” he teases as Nick quickly goes to his bedroom to get them a change of clothes.

 

He opts for a comfier outfit for himself and spends a few extra seconds looking for his _Team Grimmy_ t-shirt, knowing Louis will probably kick up a fuss at having to wear it. He takes the time to stop and check himself in the mirror of his en-suite to make sure that he’s not gone red in the face from Louis’ comments. He has, a little, but he doesn’t get to worry about it because the blasting screeching of his smoke alarm interrupts his inspection. When he gets into the kitchen, there’s a dark cloud of smoke coming from his oven and a shirtless boy leaning on the wall, his arms crossed and an overly dramatic grimace on his face.

 

“Looks like something’s burnin’ mate.”

 

“Shit!” Nick yells as he throws the t-shirt at Louis and reaches for his oven gloves, hoping - probably in vain - that he’ll be able to salvage the product of all his hard labour. “Bloody fuck!” Nick adds when he finally takes the pot out, puts it on the counter and turns the smoke alarm off.

 

“This looks bad,” Louis says through the t-shirt as he puts it on. “Ugh,” he adds when he finally looks at it. “Seriously?” he asks Nick, a finger pointed to the read _Team Grimmy._

 

Nick is too upset about his chicken to be delighted by Louis’ frustration so he just frowns and looks sadly at his ruined dish.

 

“ Looks like dinner is ruined,” Louis says mockingly while absently fixing his fringe, looking at his reflection in Nick’s stainless fridge.

 

“I cooked chicken for you, you don’t get to be rude about this,” Nick whines.

 

“You burned some chicken for me,” Louis scoffs before giggling.

 

He fucking giggles that adorable idiot.

 

“Oi! Do you know how many dates I’ve cooked for in my life? None, so you don’t get to mock me Tomlinson. Especially since it’s all your fault, you and your orgasms before dinner.”

 

“Are you complaining about orgasms? Is there nothing on this Earth you won’t complain about?”

 

“Yes,” Nick argues even though he knows it’s a blatant lie. Nick is a pro-complainer. He will whine for hours if given the opportunity and even longer if one tries to deny said opportunity. He’s never complained about orgasms before that’s true, but with Louis Tomlinson being a brat in his kitchen, Nick has a harder time containing himself.

 

Louis just raises an eyebrow in silence, managing to convey how little he thinks of Nick’s reply in one tiny movement. Nick could spend years studying that face and still he wouldn’t have enough time to memorize every single particularity. Louis is something else.

 

“Do you want to order pizza?” Nick mumbles, looking at his dish sadly. “RIP chicken tikka masala,” he adds with a dramatic sigh towards the pot.

 

“That chicken was already dead before you decided to massacre it even further, you know,” Louis replies.

 

“I didn’t decide anything you distracted me. Now pizza or not?”

 

“Is it going to be the all healthy veggie crap Haz & your hip crowd eat or...?”

 

“Pleaaaaase,” Nick replies with a laugh.

 

“Alright,” Louis says, distancing himself from the fridge and jumping on Nick’s counter, sitting on it like he’s at home, like he’s done it a hundred times before. It’s unsettling, and yet.

 

“So,” Nick says after phoning the restaurant. “Is this the worst date you’ve ever been on?” he asks self-deprecatingly before Louis can comment on it himself.

 

“I’ll tell you when it’s over,” Louis teases before taking a sip of wine.

 

He’s gorgeous. Nick can’t believe they were having sex on his sofa a few minutes ago. He can’t even compute it, but he needs to get a grip if this evening is to be somewhat of a success. It’s stupid but Nick really wants to impress Louis. He wants him to come back at some point.

 

“What about you?” Louis asks and he looks genuinely curious. “Worst date ever?”

 

Nick laughs automatically at that. “Hell no. This -” he says gesticulating between them. “- this is nothing. This is pleasant I’d say. Apart from the fact that you’re a total brat of course. But brat isn’t as bad as dick. Or creep.”

 

“That’s the millionth times you’ve called me a brat…. You do know how to woo a boy Grimshaw.”

 

“Oh, is that what I’m doing then, wooing you?”

 

“You burned chicken for me,” Louis states like it’s obvious. “I’d say you _tried_ to woo me.”

 

“You’re the one who asked me out on a date,” Nick argues back just for the sake of it. “If anyone was trying to woo anyone it was definitely you.”

 

“We’re at _your_ place where you tried to cook _me_ dinner-”

 

“Because you requested it, like a control freak or something,” Nick interrupts. He spent all day angsting over this because Louis made demands, how dare he.

 

“I can leave,” Louis protests, clearly offended. He jumps off the counter and crosses his arms on his chest, staring at Nick testingly.

 

“Don’t be stupid, pizza’s on the way and I have to tell you about all those dates that were worst than this one,” Nick replies softly, taking a step towards Louis to kiss him on the cheek. Louis gave him a blowjob less than an hour ago but somehow this seems much more daring.

 

“Not a very good wooing technique,” Louis comments with a teasing smile and Nick blushes at the comment. He knew cheek kissing was stupid, what was he even thinking.

 

“Talking about all those other boys,” Louis clarifies quickly and Nick exhales in relief, hoping he is being at least a little bit subtle about it.

 

“All those other boys I didn’t spend all night arguing with and still had a worse time than I’m having now.”

 

“That was almost romantic, I’m impressed. Though you’re probably only saying that because I give really amazing head.”

 

Nick smiles sheepishly. “I’m unmasked,” he says with a shrug.

 

Louis smiles, genuinely, with crinkly eyes and a hint of a dimple, and Nick’s heart skips a beat, like he’s a fucking cartoon and not an actual person. He doesn’t quite know what to do with all those feelings so he reaches out for Louis and kisses him. He’s usually better than this with words but it seems like Louis can steal all of them from Nick and leave him with nothing but a pounding heart and an empty brain.

 

_ Now _

 

Nick is fixed in place, nodding absently, staring at the bedroom’s opened door, unable to move until Liam hits his ankle with the back of his hand. He exhales loudly, wriggling his toe nervously in his expensive boots before finally following Louis inside. He’s not sure what to expect, with Louis being in such a bad mood, angry and hurt as he is, but being hugged tightly certainly isn’t it.

 

“Oh, love…” Nick says in Louis’ hair. He fits underneath Nick’s chin so perfectly, like puzzle pieces, and Nick’s reminded fiercely, once again, of how much he’s lost.

 

“I dunno why I’m yelling at them,” Louis mumbles in Nick’s shirt. “‘S’not their fault I’m such a-”

 

“No. You’re allowed to be upset,” Nick interrupts quickly. He’s not going to let Louis put himself down.

 

“Not really though,” Louis says self-deprecatingly. “It’s not like I got forced,”

 

“Louis-”

 

“It’s true though!” Louis continues, getting worked up. “I definitely said yes to him filming me while I gave him a blowjob.”

 

“That doesn’t make it okay. Doesn’t mean he should have betrayed your trust like that.”

 

Louis just shrugs and Nick holds him a little tighter.

 

“This is shit,” Nick says angrily and it makes Louis laughs.

 

“Fucking shit,” he agrees with an unattractive snort. Nick missed him so much his chest hurts.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Nick says softly. “Louis, I’m so sorry it had to happen that way.”

 

“Thanks,” Louis replies and he’s trying not cry, Nick can tell.

 

“I hadn’t even told my mum…” Louis says after a few seconds. He’s crying now and Nick wants to die and wants to kill all at the same time.

 

“Fuck,” Nick says, tightening his grip on Louis’ waist. “Sweetheart I’m so sorry.”

 

Louis just cries for a little while and Nick doesn’t know what to say to make it better so he doesn’t say anything. He just slips his hand underneath Louis’ t-shirt and starts rubbing his lower back, making soft soothing noises once in a while.

 

It takes a bit but Louis eventually calms down, untangling himself from Nick’s arms and rubbing at his eyes furiously. It’s the first time Nick has ever seen him cry. It’s horrible.

 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Nick asks awkwardly because he has to. He can’t just not offer.

 

“Not really,” Louis replies in a fake singsong tone.

 

“Okay,” Nick replies, looking at his hands.

 

“You’re not gonna make me?” Louis asks timidly. He looks like two completely different people; one second harsh and loud and angry, the next small and wounded.

 

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned about you Tomlinson is that I can’t make you do anything,” Nick replies softly. His face is probably too fond, but he can’t bring himself to care. He loves Louis and Louis probably needs a whole lot of love about now.

 

Louis laughs wetly and nods in agreement. “Yeah… I just thought…” He stops for a minute, searching for words, one hand pinching at his thigh. “They all want me to talk about my feelings and shit-” he says, pointing at the door. “ And I just… I didn’t even get to process it and they’re all over me and our team keeps calling for a statement or strategy and -” Louis stops himself before his voice gets too panicky.

 

“It’s okay,” Nick replies, reaching out for Louis again, stopping him from pinching himself by intertwining their hands together.

 

“We have a show tonight,” Louis replies weakly. He seems overwhelmed, like he doesn’t know which part of this fuckery to focus on first, thoughts scattered into a million different directions. Nick would love to be able to peek inside Louis’ brain, just for a second, just to see if he could help untangling it all.

 

“Can’t you cancel? or -”

 

“No!” Louis says firmly. “No. I can’t do that to the boys… The fans….”

 

Nick bites his lips, trying to think of what to say, and finally chooses to simply rub his thumb over Louis’ hand, trying to be as soothing as possible.

 

“They love you,” he finally blurts out. “Your band, I mean.”

 

Louis rolls his eyes, silently saying _I know that you donut._

 

“They’re trying their hardest to support you right now, they just don’t know how.”

 

“Definitely,” Louis mumbles.

 

“So tell them,” Nick shrugs.

 

“Since when do you try to give advice anyway?’ Louis asks, deflecting, as always. He truly is a master.

 

Nick doesn’t hold it against him though. He just shrugs. “I dunno. I don’t really. They just looked so sad and worried when I came in-” Nick stops himself when he notices Louis’ devastated look. “I mean…”

 

“Don’t,” Louis replies sadly. “Please.”

 

His gaze drops to the floor and it’s terrible how truly small he looks. Louis Tomlinson is not small. Tiny perhaps, but he’s always been the biggest, largest person in the room regardless of size and to see him like this is troubling. It’s heart wrenching.

 

Nick nods silently, tightening his grip on Louis’ hand. He can’t believe he’s the one Louis wants to be with right now. No matter what he says or does, he can’t help but feel like he’s making things worst.

 

“I’m sorry,” he says softly. “I’m not very good at this.”

 

“Shut up,” Louis mumbles, reaching to hug Nick again. “I’m glad you’re here.”

 

“You are?” Nick asks, unable to keep the awe away from his voice.

 

Louis just shrugs and nods in Nick’s shirt. “You don’t treat me differently.”

 

“Why would I?”

 

“”Cause I’m a big slu-”

 

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Nick says angrily, gripping Louis’ shoulder and pushing him away to look at him straight in the eyes. “I don’t think you’re a slut. Nobody that matters is gonna think you’re a slut okay.”

 

“I am though,” Louis says matter-of-factly. “I let him do it. He asked and I said yes. Who says yes to that?” he asks desperately.

 

Nick takes a deep slow breath, trying to calm himself down. He kind of wants to throw something forcefully to see if it would make him feel better. It’s not what would make him feel better that’s important right now though so he keeps trying to calm himself and starts pushing Louis towards to bed, slowly sitting him down and kneeling at his feet.

 

“Loads of people, it doesn’t mean anything. Tons of people film themselves having sex. I’ve filmed myself having sex. I know I’m not a reference because I’m a bit of a slag -” Nick makes a funny face. “- but you know, definitely not the only person on Earth with a bit of sexy action on camera,” he ends flimsily as Louis looks anything but comforted. He’s a bit squirmy, legs moving fretfully against Nick’s palms.  “Besides, how old were you? You looked like -”

 

“You’ve seen it?” Louis interrupts, eyes wide with panic.

 

“Just, just screenshots…” Nick babbles. He’s making things worse and worse, why can’t he ever just shut up?

 

“Don’t watch it. Please,” Louis pleads. He looks so embarrassed, red-cheeked and head held low.

 

“I wouldn’t,” Nick replies automatically. “Louis, look at me, please.”

 

Louis gulps before looking back up.

 

“I won’t.”

 

“Okay. I mean, thank you.”

 

“Don’t thank me for that,” Nick says brusquely. “There’s gonna be enough people looking at it without your consent, no way I’m gonna be one of them!”

 

Nick means it reassuringly but Louis’ face crumbles. “God,” he says angrily, hiding his face into his hands.

 

“I didn’t -”

 

“Everybody knows,” Louis cries, shoulders shaking. “They all know.”

 

“I…,” Nick starts clumsily but he stops himself. He doesn’t have anything to say. He doesn’t have magical words of wisdom to make this hurt any less. Louis wasn’t ready to come out and it’s been taken away from him. Words are powerless and void.

 

“It was supposed to be on my terms,” Louis says between shaky breaths, head still buried in his hands. “It was supposed to be my decision.”

 

“I know,” Nick whispers. “I don’t know what to say to make it better. Louis, I-”

 

“Can I get a cuddle?” Louis asks. He sounds panicky and embarrassed and it makes Nick irrationally angry to think that he’s probably mentally telling himself off for asking for it.

 

“Of course you can,” Nick replies, sitting down next to him and hugging him again, wrapping a long arm around Louis’ shoulder and bringing him into his chest, caging him in in what is, hopefully, a comforting embrace. “Whatever you want, okay? Whatever you need.”

 

They stay in silence for a bit, Nick keeps trying, in vain, to come up with something to say, anything to reassure Louis that it’s going to be okay. He doesn’t find it though. He doesn’t find the sentence that will erase all the hurt and give Louis back his secret.

 

“I wanted to tell the boys,” Louis whispers in Nick’s shirt. He sounds absent, toneless, and it frightens Nick to hear him like this. “I was gonna tell them at the end of the tour and then I was gonna tell my mum.”

 

“That’s… great,” Nick says. He knows how big of a step that is, how important. “Louis, that’s great. Really brave.”

 

Louis scoffs. “Yeah, well. Won’t have to bother.”

 

“It’s still brave Lou. They didn’t take _everything_ away.”

 

“Still feels like it,” Louis admits.

 

Nick hums, hoping it’ll encourage Louis to talk more, to elaborate on his feelings a little bit. It’s a long shot, but Louis isn’t the kind of person to do things because he’s been told to. If he’s going to talk about things, it won’t be because he was forced that’s for sure.

 

“It’s so stupid,” Louis adds angrily after a few seconds. “I didn’t even think about it. I saw him at a party back home over the break and I was drunk and he’s always been a massive dick so I did what I do with dicks when I’m drunk and I told him off…” Louis laughs a little and it’s bitter, ugly, nothing like his usual musical laugh that Nick cherishes so much. “I didn’t even think about the stupid video, could you believe that? I completely forgot he had it.”

 

“Did it end badly between you two?” Nick asks hesitantly. They haven’t really talked about exes before. Nick mostly because he’s never really had proper serious boyfriends and bringing the subject up implied the risk of having to share too. He was never curious enough to risk that happening.

 

Louis snorts, still hiding in Nick’s shirt. “Need to be something for that something to end badly. We just used to hook up.”

 

“Hum,” Nick adds, hoping Louis will still take it as an invitation to elaborate. He’d feel bad for trying to fool him into talking, but he knows, deep down, that Louis will feel better for it.

 

“After football practice and stuff. Just… Kids stuff, you know? Blowjobs and handjobs… Nothing significant happened with him. He’s nothing, nobody.” Louis says the last two words with so much disgust that Nick would almost feel sorry for the guy if he weren’t the scum of the Earth.

 

“We were a bit high when….” Louis gulps and fidgets a little with his fringe. “He asked, I was fucked and I thought it’d be hot. A bit.  I didn’t really think about it afterwards until… It was a stupid mistake with a stupid fuck and I pissed him off the other day. There’s nothing more to say or talk about. I was stupid and here we are. That’s that. Now shut up and cuddle me.”

 

“Nice to know you’re still as bossy as ever,” Nick whispers into Louis’ hair, hoping the joke will distract him a little bit. It’s the only way he knows how to be even remotely comforting. Jokes and laughs and distractions; they are the only thing he can really bring to the table. He hopes they help, if only a little.

 

Louis doesn’t have the time to answer Nick’s teasing though because his phone starts to ring somewhere behind them and Louis whines loudly when Nick makes a move to try and get it.

 

“Don’t!” He yells.

 

“O….kay?” Nick replies, slowly putting his hands up and stopping his movement towards where the phone chimes with what is probably a new message.

 

“I don’t want to talk to whoever that is,” Louis says a bit more calmly.

 

“Why don’t you turn it off then?” Nick asks, a bit confused, slowly rubbing Louis' shoulders. It seems slightly more stressful to keep it on and listen to it all day.

 

“Because, I have to be responsible for my actions,” Louis says frustration tainting his voice. “I have to own up to it and …”

 

Nick waits for him to elaborate with Louis is simply breathing, harsh and laboured through his mouth.

 

“But you’re not answering anyway?” Nick asks softly, hoping it won’t make Louis even more uncomfortable.

 

“Well I haven’t reached that level yet obviously!!!” Louis yells in a panicky voice.

 

“Okay, that’s okay. It’s completely fine. I didn’t mean to upset you,” Nick quickly replies, taking his hands off Louis’ body, trying to give him some space.

 

“Sorry,” Louis says, wide-eyed and still a bit panicky.

 

“It’s…. fine,” Nick replies hesitantly, rubbing his knuckles together. “Baby steps, yeah?”

 

“Right.”

 

“So, do you want to maybe check who it was?” Nick offers. “You don’t have to call them back,” he adds quickly. “‘Course not, but you know….”

 

Louis shrugs and turns around, crawling on the bed towards the pillow under which his phone lays. He sighs loudly and Nick grasps his ankle, in what he hopes is a comforting manner, rubbing his thumb softly on it.

 

“Who is it?” Nick asks after a few long seconds of silence.

 

Louis doesn’t say anything. He just sighs again and lets himself fall on the bed, phone clutched to his chest, heads buried in the pillows.

 

“Lou?” Nick asks, holding his ankle a little bit tighter.

 

“‘E Mo’er” Louis says voice muffled by the pillows.

 

“Who?”

 

“Me mother,” Louis says a hint of desperation in his voice.

 

“Oh,” Nick replies sadly. That’s…

 

“Must be her hundredth call,” Louis adds angrily.

 

“You have to call her back,” Nick says sadly. She must be worried sick. Hell, he had been worried sick but he can’t even imagine how she must be feeling, with nothing but the news to feed her crap and her son on the other side of the world not picking up the phone.

 

“I can’t,” Louis says firmly.

 

“Babe, you _have_ to call her back,” Nick says as firmly. “Look, I get wanting to ignore your team and not wanting to deal with the press. I do, but she’s your mum. She must be worried sick, you have to call her darling.”

 

He doesn’t mean for the endearments to slip but he can’t really help it as they spill from his mouth. He's never been particularly good at censoring himself though. In fact, he thinks his relationship with Louis might be the only thing he's truly managed to keep under wrap from the entire world, the only thing he's truly deleted from his life when it comes to everyone's knowledge. The only thing he's not told anyone ever. There are events, anecdotes, that he's kept from the radio of course, unwilling to share them with the whole of Britain because they were too embarrassing even for him or simply a bit tasteless for eight in the morning but he's always been happy to tell them to his friends, would always be willing to share his deepest secrets with Collette or Aimee at least. Endearments don't seem to be on the same level as his relationship with Louis though and there's no part of Nick that is able to stop them coming. 

 

“I can’t,” Louis says desperately. “Nick, I can’t.”

 

“I know, it’s hard but can you imagine how she must feel right now? Have you even read all the trash that’s been written about you?”

 

Louis whines like a small wounded animal and it feels like Nick has been punched to the guts, but he can’t stop. Not now. It’s probably not the best tactic ever, to remind Louis of all the ways he’s being judged and insulted for the entire world to see, but he needs to realise he’s not alone in this.

 

“And that’s all she has to go on right now. All those lies and those shitty wankers talking crap about you and you’re all the way over here, a whole fucking ocean away,” Nick is starting to feel a bit panicky himself, reminiscing how powerless and awful he felt in that studio at Radio 1. “Gosh, she must be going bloody mad.”

 

“What if…” Louis starts hesitantly. “What if they don’t treat me the same? What if… What if she’s angry? I can’t…. I can’t deal with that right now.”

 

“I can’t promise you it’s gonna be fine love, but you have to say something. If only just a text saying you’re not ready to talk, but at least don’t let her in the dark like that.”

 

“Right,” Louis says slowly. “Right. A text.”

 

Nick can see him open his phone and look for a whatsapp conversation. He feels like his heart is going to beat out of his chest. He can’t imagine how Louis feels.

 

“I’m sorry about everything. I’ll call you back when I can.” Louis looks at Nick with a small frown on his face. “How does that sound?”

 

“It’s fine,” Nick replies.

 

“You think so?”

 

“Course.”

 

Louis nods and hit sends, pushing his phone away from him as soon as it’s done. It takes barely a couple of seconds before the phone starts to chime with incoming texts.

 

“Oh god,” Louis whispers, hiding his face in the pillows again. “Bloody fuck.”

 

“Do you wanna look at what she says?” Nick asks.

 

“No,” Louis replies quickly. “Yes. I don’t know.”

 

“Do you want me to look?” Nick offers, knowing he’ll probably be refused. Those texts are none of his business of course, but he doesn’t know how to be helpful. It’s not much but it’s the best he can do right now. So he does it, even if it makes him feel awkward and pathetic.

 

“Would you?” Louis asks, turning over quickly and sitting down, his frantic eyes fixed on Nick.

 

“Hum…” Nick hesitates. He didn’t expect Louis to accept the offer, but he supposes he can do it. “Sure,” he replies. Please let it be supportive _,_ Nick thinks as he accepts the phone Louis is giving him. He doesn’t think he could tell Louis if it’s not. If his mother is being harsh or judgmental, Nick isn’t sure he could do it.

 

The first text just says _Ok_ and Louis gulps loudly when Nick tells him. The second one is longer, more reassuring and the way Louis exhales in relief makes some of the tension in Nick’s stomach unravel slightly.

 

_Don’t apologize for this boo. Pls take care of yourself. I know you’re busy but pls. Let the boys take care of you and call me back as soon as you can. I love you sweetheart._

 

The room is silent for a few seconds afterwards, but Nick can almost hear Louis’ tinkering brain, thoughts practically pouring out of him and painting his expressive face.

 

“I have to call her back,” he says after a bit, sounding resigned and a tiny bit hopeful. “I’m gonna call her back,” he adds more determinately.

 

“Okay,” Nick replies, glad Louis is willing to let himself finally have the support of his family.

 

He can hold Louis all he wants and tell him everything is going to be okay, but there’s nothing quite like the unfaltering and unwavering love and support of a mother in times of darkness. It’s just not the same, they both know that.

 

“I’ll be just outside,” he adds with a small, awkward pat to Louis’ ankles, handing him the phone before leaving the room as quickly as possible.

 

He closes the bedroom door silently behind him only to be faced with the rest of One Direction and at least half a dozen members of their team.

 

“Oh,” Nick mumbles, feeling the panic returns.

 

“I need to speak to Mr. Tomlinson,” a sharp, severe looking woman tells him as she takes a few steps towards Nick. “And _you_ need to sign a nondisclosure agreement.”

 

Nick laughs weakly, feeling slightly overwhelmed. Ten minutes ago the suite was silent with the boys’ grief and worry, and now the entire room is buzzing with workers talking on phones and muttering over papers and screens, looking not only serious but irritated and worried.

 

It’s crisis management time.

 

_ Then _

 

They make out - Louis on his tiptoes, lower back pressed against Nick’s kitchen counter and hands buried in his quiff - until the pizza arrives. Nick knows he probably looks a mess when he answers the door, what with his clothes all rumpled, his hair sticking up everywhere and his tangling lips, but he can’t find it in himself to care. He tips the awkward teen generously, hoping it’ll erase the scared look in his eyes, and goes back to the kitchen where Louis is now sipping wine directly from the bottle.

 

“Food,” Nick announces grandly, before deposing the pizza box on the table. “Can’t say I don’t keep my promises, also help yourself to anything,” Nick adds pointing the wine bottle.

 

“ Thank you Grimshaw,” Louis says cheekily.

 

“At least call me Grimmy, or Nick, if you’re going to be that intimate with my wine,” Nick teases as he opens the box and starts serving.

 

“Thank you dear, sweet Nicholas,” Louis says mockingly, batting his eyelashes at Nick from the other side of the table. “Nikky,” Louis adds after a few seconds.

 

“Grimshaw is fine,” Nick says with a glare as he gives Louis his food. “I made the salad at least, with my own hands and all.”

 

“I don’t do salad,” Louis says with a smirk, probably just to be difficult, although knowing him Nick wouldn’t be surprised if it were true.

 

“Fake-like it then,” Nick orders with a big laugh and a hint of exasperation. He likes Louis a lot. He also would like to throttle him. Just a little.

 

“I don’t think your ego needs more stroking.”

 

“You’re impossible. I give you food and clothes and orgasms -”

 

“Pizzeria gave me food and I gave me an orgasm, but thanks for the t-shirt.”

 

“Do you even want to be here?” Nick asks jokingly even though he fears the answer. What if Louis already got what he came for? What if this is it? Nick has waited too long, has hoped too much, for this to end up like all of his other flings. Nick is almost 30 years old, as much as he dislikes thinking about it. He wants something more.

 

Louis groans before laughing a little. “I wasn’t gonna do this.”

 “The date?” Nick asks, confused and a bit offended.

 

“No,” Louis replies quickly. His eyes are wide and he actually looks worried that Nick would think that. There might be hope for the future.

 

“I mean, ughhhhhh,” Louis rolls eyes and shakes his head. “The whole insult thing. I was gonna go the whole evening without the insult thing. Didn’t even last an hour.”

 

“I like it,” Nick confirms softly.

 

He does like it is the thing. It’s refreshing and fun to be with someone who keeps him on his toes, who most certainly would never be impressed by Nick’s work connections, someone who’s witty and thinks fast. Louis is the whole package and it’s a bit sad, Nick thinks, that he felt like he had to change his behaviour to make their evening work.

 

“You like me insulting you? Us insulting each other?” Louis asks, puzzled. There’s pizza sauce in the corner of his mouth and on Nick’s _Team Grimmy_ t-shirt. It’s messy and adorable, like a physical manifestation of Louis’ personality.

 

“S’just banter, innit? You’re witty, you’re fun. It’s never really mean-spirited, so yeah. I like it.”

 

Louis’ responding smile is blinding, making his eyes crinkle and his cheek dimple a little.

 

“Alright then,” he replies. “Gramps,” he adds, raising an eyebrow, eyes sparkling with mischief. He pursues his lips a little bit, toning down his facial expressions into something a bit more neutral, before taking the tiniest bite of salad ever taken in the history of mankind, probably.  “Mmmmmmmm,” he moans exaggeratedly. “Delicious.”

 

Louis leaves a couple of hours later after they’ve made out some more on Nick’s couch while pretending to watch rubbish on the telly. It’s the most fun evening Nick’s had in a while he feels a bit giddy when they awkwardly stand at the door when Louis’ car finally arrives.

 

“So,” Louis starts, bouncing a little on the sole of his feet.

 

“So?” Nick replies teasingly.

 

“So this wasn’t the worst date ever,” Louis continues. “I guess we could do it again,” he ends with a small nonchalant shrug. “I’m off to Europe for a bit with the band, but you know….”

 

“You’re in a band? Really? Anything I might have heard?” Nick says mockingly just to see the angry flush of Louis’ cheeks.

 

“Shut up,” he replies quickly, cheeks indeed reddening as he gives Nick’s shoulder a firm shove.

 

“Just text me when you’re back popstar. You could show me that bachelor pad of yours, cook for me for a change.”

 

“You cooked nothing!” Louis stubbornly argues and Nick wonders for a second if they’ll be like one of those old couples who are still nurturing fondly their first few arguments, having them over and over again just to remember how sweet things were even when they weren’t. It’s a bit of a scary thought to have literally during a first date, but he can’t help himself.

 

The car’s honk shakes him out of his daydream and soon enough he finds himself pushing Louis off the door with the promises of a second date as soon as he gets back to London.

 

As soon as Louis is out of the flat, Nick starts laughing, his back pressed against his front door and his face hidden in his hands. He cannot believe all that just happened.

 

The next morning when Nick gets into work he’s more exhausted than ever, having spent the night mentally reviewing every single second he spent with Louis. Hours lost in his mind, in every shift of Louis’ facial expressions, in the feel of his body against Nick’s, the taste of him on his tongue… He gets teased mercilessly for his distraction on air, but it’s hard for him to care when he keeps getting witty texts from Louis about the stupid shit he’s being asked in promo interviews.

_ Now _

 

“You can’t get in,” Nick says to the mean looking lady, pressing himself against the door and feeling painfully aware of the fact that he’s a pretty poor bodyguard. She looks angry and determined. If she wants to talk to Louis, she’ll talk to Louis.

 

“Mr Grimshaw,” she says with a small irritated sigh. “May I be frank with you?” She doesn’t give Nick the opportunity to reply. “I’m not sure what you’re doing here, except of course making our lives more difficult, however, it’s not my place to ask questions or even judge my clients. My place, the whole reason I’m here, though is to spin this negative into a positive. Your presence, as I’m sure you realise, doesn’t help my endeavour. If the press or the fans know you’re here, this freak show is going to get much worse for everybody involved and if the protective way you’re guarding this door is any indication, you don’t want that to happen either. So, will you please move out of the way so I can do my job, which is to fix this, and you and my colleague can go over the nondisclosure agreement together.”

 

“Nick doesn’t need to sign anything,” Harry says from behind the woman and he looks angry. Nick isn’t sure if that anger is directed towards their PR rep or him - or maybe both of them - but either way it makes him feel bad. Well, worst. He’s been feeling bad since he first heard Louis’ voicemail.

 

“Mr. Styles -”

 

“He doesn’t! He won’t say anything.” Harry interrupts, loyal as ever. Nick thinks he might cry a bit.

 

“I don’t mind,” Nick says before things escalate and they start fighting. The situation is shitty enough. “I can’t let you go in, but I’ll sign whatever.”

 

“Mr. Grimshaw -”

 

“It’s Nick,” he says, tensed and irritated. “And I’m not saying that to be difficult, but Louis is on the phone with his mum right now. I think he’s entitled to a bit of privacy for that.”

 

“He’s had hours of privacy while he ignored our calls and our emergency meetings,” the woman says unkindly. “Now there’s a show tonight and it’s time for us to issue a statement and choose a game plan.”

 

She doesn’t look like she cares. At all. It’s disturbing, but Nick figures she probably wouldn’t be good at what she does if she cared too much. Still, he can’t have that objectivity. Not when Louis is involved.

 

“Come on Cynthia,” Niall says from the other side of the room. “He just came out to his mother.”

 

She softens a little at that, shakes her head and gives Nick a penetrating and disturbing glare before joining three men in suits in the kitchen.

 

“Scary,” Nick mouths to Niall as he’s dragged away by another serious looking PR person to go over pages and pages of documents.

 

*

 

It doesn’t take very long for Harry to corner him once he’s done viewing and reviewing the papers. Nick should have expected it really, hell he should have probably expected it sooner, but somehow it still takes him by surprise how one minute he's sitting on the sofa by himself, drinking his weight in coffee to try and drown the exhaustion in his bone, and the next, there’s a silent curly boy at his side.

 

“Harry,” Nick says. He never calls him Harry, never just Harry. It’s _H_ and _Harold, Harry Styles_ or even _Henry Stars_ if Nick is feeling particularly nostalgic.

 

“Nicholas,” Harry replies seriously. He looks a bit uncomfortable. “So.”

 

“So,” Nick replies, messing up his hair nervously, avoiding Harry’s eyes.

 

“You and Louis?” he asks and Nick doesn’t know what to say to that. He doesn’t even know what him and Louis are right now, doesn’t even know what they were, how is he even supposed to offer explanations? More importantly, how is he supposed to excuse the fact that he’s wasted months being dishonest? How is he supposed to admit this is not a new thing?

 

Nick ends up shrugging, eyes still fixed to the floor, not even trying to escape the shame that fills him.

 

“Don’t,” Harry says.

 

He’s staring at the side of Nick’s face. Nick can’t see it, but he can feel it. He can feel the heaviness of Harry's gaze, like it's putting stones on Nick's heart, crushing it a little further as seconds tick by.

 

"Don't do that," he repeats. He sounds angry. "Don't try and dismiss it like it's nothing."

 

"I'm -"

 

"It's not nothing Grimmy. You're one of my best friends and he's... He's like a brother to me. And you've said nothing? Neither of you?"

 

Usually it takes Harry ages to form each sentences. He hums and ahhhs and thinks and slurs his words, making having conversations with him a long process. Worth it, always, but still. Today he's not doing any of that and Nick isn't sure if it's the anger or confusion that helps him through, but he secretly wishes Harry would hesitate a bit, if only to help him think of how to explain himself.

 

"It's complicated," Nick finally admits. He still doesn't know where to start.

 

“So you’ve said.”

 

“Well it is,” Nick says desperately, finally facing Harry and looking at him in the eyes. “ It’s complicated, it’s fucked up at the moment. I don’t…”

 

“Are you a couple?” Harry asks.

 

“No,” Nick replies firmly. “I don’t think so,” he amends. “It’s-”

 

“Complicated,” Harry replies curtly. “Apparently.”

 

Nick sighs and starts gesticulating awkwardly, still avoiding Harry’s eyes. “We had a thing last winter....  Spring too. A bit. A dating thing, I guess, though we didn’t really call it that,” he mutters mostly to himself. “It just happened?” He adds hesitantly. “And Lou, he… He wasn’t really ready to say anything? And we weren’t really that serious anyway so…”

 

“So you lied.”

 

“Only by omission.”

 

“Still a lie,” Harry argues and it’s the less amicable Nick has ever seen him.

 

“Yes, but just a little one,” he jokingly says, hoping to improve the mood. He knows it won’t work, knows that the only person who could help Harry understand and feel better is probably Louis. Unfortunately Louis is nowhere to be found at the moment. He can’t seem to spare a second for his confused bandmates. It’s okay though, Nick figures. Louis is allowed to be a little selfish today.

 

“Grimmy!”

 

Nick groans in frustration. “I’m sorry, okay! I wanted to tell you, I did, but it wasn’t my secret, it wasn’t _my_ sexuality!”

 

Harry lets out a small whine and lets his head fall into his hands. “I know,” he whispers, sounding embarrassed. “I know. It just hurts I guess, that you wouldn’t trust me. That he wouldn’t trust me.”

 

“Hazza,” Nick says sadly, reaching to wrap a comforting arm around Harry’s shoulder, letting him hide his face in Nick’s neck. “Trust doesn’t have much to do with it, right?”

 

Harry pouts and shrugs. He looks like he knows Nick is right, but feels too hurt to admit it. “Hmmmm.”

 

“It’s more about being ready,” Nick says absently, mostly for himself, thinking back.

 

“Louis wasn’t ready, was he? He’s not ready now?” Harry asks. He sounds more worried than upset now.

 

“No,” Nick says, sniffing a little, blinking quickly to hide his tears, hoping Harry can’t tell. “I don’t think he is.”

 

Harry sighs deeply and wraps his arms around Nick’s waist, cuddling closer, shaking a little. “S’not fair,” he mumbles.

 

“It really isn’t. Fuck. He deserved so much better.”

 

“Are you getting back together?” Harry asks.

 

God Nick hopes so. He’s been too terrified of false hope to think about it. Those past few months he’s been missing Louis like a limb, been feeling like the world’s biggest idiot for letting him go, and he knows it’s unfair of him to even think about it under the circumstances but he wants them to be together for a long long time and the fact that he’s the one Louis called when disaster struck makes his heart flutter like nothing else.

 

“I don’t know,” he simply admits.

 

“Do you want to?” Harry insists and he knows, he must know how Nick feels.

 

“I-”

 

“Don’t say I don’t know!”

 

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Nick replies with an awkward laugh. He wants Louis back. Of course he does. He’s always felt like they never had a proper chance, like they never even tried to make it work, so yes, obviously he wants Louis back. He wants many things. He wants the situation to stop being shitty. He wants Louis not to have been robbed of his coming out. He wants Harry to stop being mad.

 

“Just be honest with me,” Harry says. “Please.”

 

“Of course I want us to get back together, I’m in love with him. But now is not the time for that. That’s not why I’m here.” It’s the first time he’s said it out loud. It feels more natural than he thought it would.

 

“That’s great,” Harry says, tightening his grip on Nick’s waist. Nick thinks he can hear him sniffing. “That’s great Grimmy. You guys… It would be great.”

 

“You’ve never even seen us together,” Nick mumbles, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. Him and Louis, it worked. He knows it worked, but he’s pretty sure no one else in the universe would believe it.

 

“I don’t care. If you say you love him then I support you. Even if it’s…. really weird to think about.”

 

“Oi! It’s not weird,” Nick argues. It was great. They were great.

 

“I thought you hated each other. Like proper hated each other.”

 

“That’s silly.”

 

“Do the words twitter feud ring any bells?” Harry asks like it’s most obvious thing in the world, like a couple of tweets could ever tell a complete story.

 

“That’s banter,” Nick says with a small laugh. “Foreplay,” he adds.

 

Harry shakes his head slowly. “I don’t need to know that. I know I did a huge speech about honesty and telling me the truth and all that stuff and I made some valid points, you know? But that was too much honesty.”

  
“Duly noted Styles.”

_ Then _

 

Nick feels on edge during the entire week after their date, a mixture of excited and overwhelmed taking over his brain and rendering him completely useless both at work and at home.  He knows Louis is not due back in the UK for a couple of days at least. He knows that. They even have a second date planned for as soon as he’s back and that in itself kind of blows Nick’s brain, yet he’s still impatient. The closer it gets to the date, the more unbearable it becomes, as if every single second is taking its sweet, sweet time passing. Nick is pretty sure Time is doing it on purpose.

 

“What is up with you today babe?” Daisy finally asks him in the middle of lunch, one day before he gets to see Louis again.

 

“Nothing? What do you mean?” he asks a bit too quickly.

 

She gives him an amused look. “Nothing? Sooooo you’re not being oddly erratic today?”

 

“I’m always like this,” Nick replies, part of him wanting to share but still knowing how bad of an idea it would be to. Or at least without consulting Louis first. Besides, it’s just been one date and a couple of texts. It’s not like he needs to report back to his friends about every single bloke he’s ever seen. He usually does it because he has a big mouth and loves a bit of gossiping and sharing, but that doesn’t mean he _has_ to.

 

“No you’re not,” Daisy protests with a small laugh. She takes a bite before continuing. “You’re being weird and while you are a weird person for sure, you’re being extra weird today.”

 

“Daisy, I’m really not!” He protests loudly.

 

Nick is feeling a bit offended to be honest. He thought he had it all under control.

 

“Whatever,” she replies dismissively. “You’ll tell me eventually. You always tell.”

 

Nick is too busy savouring his meal so it takes him a while before what Daisy just said catches up with him.

 

“Wait, what?” he asks, mouth full of pastas.

 

“Gross,” Daisy says, nose scrunched up.

 

Nick makes a show of chewing loudly before elaborating while Daisy rolls her eyes and throws him pieces of bread. The entire restaurant is glaring at them.

 

“What do you mean I always tell?” He finally asks, after swallowing loudly.

 

She gives him a pointed look.

 

“What?” Nick asks again.

 

“Come on, you big gossip,” Daisy replies with a huge smile. “You and I both know you can’t keep a secret.”

 

“Take that back!” Nick says feeling particularly offended. He can _so_ keep a secret.

 

Daisy giggles when he tells her so. “Sure you can sweetie.”

 

“Shut up, I can.”

 

“Not from your close friends, you call and text to tell me about the most mundane things Grim. Yesterday you sent me a picture of dog poo because you thought it looked like Bart Simpson.”

 

Nick has terrible friends. His friends are the worst. They are traitors who are unable to fully appreciate his stellar personality.

 

“It DID look like Bart Simpson. And that wasn’t a secret. It was just something exciting that happened. It needed to be shared,” he argues.

 

Daisy is lovely. Nick loves her. Hell, Nick would marry her in a heartbeat if he had to pick a woman, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is wrong, the wrongest, the most wrong in the entire world, and she needs to admit it. ASAP.

 

“It was poo,” she deadpans. “To be fair though it did look like Bart Simpson.”

 

“And it wasn’t a secret so it doesn’t count,” Nick repeats insistently waiting for Daisy to agree.

 

“Okay,” she agrees, but it still doesn’t feel like a victory.

 

Nick stops and stares at her in silence for a while, fork halfway to his mouth, sauce dripping on the table.

 

“What?” Daisy asks, a satisfied smile on her red painted lips.

 

“You didn’t mean that,” Nick accuses, eating his bite forcefully.

 

“Nope,” Daisy admits. “Sorry. If you had a secret, you’d tell me. I know you would.”

 

“Next time I _actually_ have a secret you’ll be the last person to know. Mark my words.”

 

Daisy just laughs and laughs and laughs again. It makes Nick feel a bit uneasy because he has an almost secret. It’s not big enough to be a secret yet, but it could be. It could be, it will probably be, and the worst is that he wants to tell her. He wants to share everything, just like Daisy said, but he’s not sure he's allowed to.

 

*

 

“So, this house is ridiculous,” Nick tells Louis the next day, after he’s been taken on Casa Tomlinson’s grand tour.

 

He feels a bit inadequate, like he shouldn’t be inside that type of mansion somehow. He's not unaccustomed to wealth, but this goes a bit beyond the luxury of his own Primerose Hill flat. There’s a Spiderman statue in the basement for Christ’ sake! Nick is infatuated with a rich child. It’s the most embarrassing and weird he’s ever felt... Probably not, if he’s actually honest with himself, but still very embarrassing.  Top ten materials for sure.

 

Louis raises a mocking eyebrow. “It’s okay,” he says sweetly, reaching out to grab Nick’s arm, digging his thumb in the flesh. “I know you’re not used to this type of riches.”

 

“Fuck off,” Nick replies half-offended, yet, despite himself, still enjoying the point of contact. “I hang out with adults who have taste is all. Not men-children who think life-size superhero renditions are the greatest decorative tools.”

 

“It’s okay if you’re jealous, everybody is. My Spidey is pretty incredible.”

 

“I don’t even like Spi-” Nick starts saying but he’s quickly interrupted by Louis’ offended gasp. He even lets go of Nick’s arm, to press a delicate hand against his chest.

 

“I’ll stop you right there before you make a huge mistake Grimshaw, ‘cause right now I’m still attracted to you despite….” Louis eyes him up and down. “the pretentious outfits and crazy unmanageable hair, but a hatred of my love Spiderman is not something that can be forgiven and I was quite looking forward to us fucking tonight so don’t be that person who ruins it.”

 

Nick stays silent for a couple of seconds, trying to come up with something witty and impressive to say, but truth is, he’s also looking forward to touching Louis again so the first thing coming to his mind is to simply agree and that’s neither witty nor impressive. It’s quite unfortunate.

 

“Are you debating whether insulting Spiderman or fucking me is better? Because if that’s the case I’m a bit insulted,” Louis adds seriously. He crosses his arms on his chest, jutting his chin out determinately, waiting for Nick’s move.

 

“Oh, I’m pretty sure fucking you wins every single time,” Nick blurts out without thinking, eyes widening as he realises the words that just came out of his mouth. “I mean, not that I’ve had the pleasure, but I’d imagined… With a bum like yours….” Nick says quickly, adding an impressed, flirtatious whistle at the end. Top five embarrassing moments, let’s be honest.

 

Louis pursues his mouth in response, trying to hide an amused smile.

 

“I’m making this worst, aren’t I?” Nick asks with an awkward high-pitched laugh.

 

"Yeah, you're a mess right now," Louis agrees. He seems more amused by the whole thing than insulted. "Somehow I still want you to do me though,” he adds reflectively.  

 

"You do?" Nick asks. This is the best second date he's ever been on. He’s making a complete tit of himself and Louis doesn’t even seem to mind. There are actual fireworks exploding in Nick’s brain right now.

 

Louis nods, slowly humming, still looking pensive.

 

"Wait, are you changing your mind?" Nick asks, suddenly feeling a bit scared that his lack of confidence is coming across too strongly. He’s a bit too shocked to appear in control at the moment, but he’s still hoping it’s not much of a turn off.

 

Louis laughs and shakes his head. "Nahhh. I'm wondering how to subtly ask you back into my bedroom."

 

"Fuck subtlety?" Nick offers after scratching his jaw for a few seconds.

 

Louis pretends to debate the suggestion for a minute, hand on his chin in reflection and eyebrows furrowed with concentration. He hums a little bit as Nick stands there in silence, awkwardly waiting. Hopefully his imaginary fireworks were not premature.

 

“Yeah, that works,” Louis finally says, already starting to take his shirt off.

 

They don’t make it to the bedroom.

 

*

 

“Fuck,” Nick gasps when he finally slides into Louis. “You’re so pretty,” he mumbles, panting into Louis’ neck, one hand tight on his hip, the other holding Louis’ in place above their head.

 

Fucking fireworks everywhere behind his eyelids.

 

“Fuck me,” Louis pleads with a small moan. His left hand slides down the wall and reaches where his cock is hard. “Please Nick, just …”

 

He moans again, this airy thing, and how could Nick ever deny him? He starts moving, small slow thrusts that drive Louis crazy, that make him gasp and tighten around Nick’s cock.

 

“Like that,” Louis pants into the wall, arching his back sensually, trying to take more, deeper.

 

Nick can feel his heart pounding loudly in his chest as he keeps his eyes fixed on where they're joined, hypnotised by the gorgeous sight of his cock slowly sliding in and out of Louis’ arse. It’s better than all of the fantasies of this moment he’s tried to suppress over the years. The way Louis’ reacting, pliant and soft in his hands is bringing Nick closer and closer to his climax with each thrust.

 

“You feel incredible,” Nick manages to whisper in Louis’ ear before giving his neck a small, firm bite that has him whining and tightening the hand on his dick. Nick can see the frantic movement of Louis’ arm as he touches himself, brings himself closer, and he has a second of regret that they’re not doing this face to face, that he can’t see Louis’ dainty hands wrapped where his cock is pressed up against his belly, red and wet at the tip.

 

“You can - “ Louis stops himself to let out a small gasp. “go harder,” he finally pants.

 

“Yeah?” Nick asks, slowing down the roll of his hips to a torturous pace for a few seconds.

 

“Jerk,” Louis moans in reply and it shouldn’t be a turn on, the way they rile each other up, but it is. It really is.

 

Still, Nick doesn’t tease him too long, doesn’t have the will power to stop himself at his point. He lets go of Louis’ hips after a few more moments of slow torture, sliding his hand up his sticky belly softly, fingers teasing the wet tip of his dick, before wrapping his arm around Louis’ torso and starting to fuck into him harder and faster.

 

They’re both getting closer, Nick can feel it, and he needs Louis to come first, needs to see and feel him lose control, needs to hear him fall apart. He makes his voice a bit deeper, raspier, and starts mumbling filth into Louis’ ear, starts to tell him how gorgeous he is taking a cock and how good he feels wrapped around Nick. He’s about to tell him how hot his moans are when Louis gasps loudly and spills all over himself, his hot little body tight with pleasure. Nick fucks him through his orgasm; thrusting one, two, three times before coming with his mouth pressed against Louis’ shoulder, panting through his release.

 

It doesn’t take very long for their position against the wall to become uncomfortable, but it does take a bit longer for them to untangle themselves when they start sliding down said wall.

 

“Ow!” Nick blurts as he’s going down. “That was my shin….”

 

“Yeah well those are my hair, please stop grabbing them for support!!” Louis yells from somewhere under him.

 

They eventually manage to separate themselves, both of them sitting down, their backs pressed against the wall.

 

“You should go and get us something to clean up,” Nick says, heart still beating furiously.

 

He receives Louis’ shirt in the face in lieu of an answer.

 

“Riiiiight,” he mumbles, tying off the condom and using the shirt to dry himself up a bit. He offers the tee to Louis who grimaces at its stickiness and starts crawling towards their clothes, picking up Nick’s new jumper and wiping it on his stomach just as he’s about to protest. “That… was brand new,” Nick says with a small defeated sigh.

 

He’s quickly coming to learn that there is absolutely no point in trying to stop Louis Tomlinson once he’s determined to do something, but he still feels a pang of irritation at the thought of his brand new, cozy piece of clothing. The only thing that can be done in those situations is to try and limit the damages. Nick wasn’t quick enough this time, but he’ll get to it eventually. He can’t help but have a small though for One Direction’s handlers on tour though, those poor brave souls who put up with Louis’ shenanigans day in and out…

 

“I’ll pay for the dry cleaning,” Louis replies as he makes his way back towards Nick, still on all fours. He should probably look ridiculous, yet Nick finds him as enthralling as ever as he reaches the wall and cuddles up to his shoulder, dropping his entire weight on Nick’s chest roughly. It’s the most aggressive brand of cuddling Nick’s ever been part of, but it suits them somehow and he can’t say he dislikes it.

 

“Cuddle times then?” Nick asks, arms automatically wrapping around Louis’ waist.

 

Louis doesn’t answer. He just hums sweetly, eyes closed and face peaceful. Nick would almost think him asleep if it weren’t for the slow movement of his fingers through his chest hair.

 

“We should keep this between us,” Louis ends up saying after a couple of minutes of silence.

 

“Well, I was thinking about making an official announcement…. But I’m not sure if twitter is too tacky, considering our relationship on there. On the other hand, the radio seems a bit too official, don’t you think?”

 

His joke only gets him a small flick on the shoulder, nowhere near as satisfying as when he manages to make Louis laugh, but still, any reaction is better than nothing and he’ll take it, he’ll always take it, even if that makes him slightly desperate.

 

“It’s tough,” Nick continues, pretending to deliberate. “Maybe a suggestive picture on Instagram? Black and white of course, something classy.”

 

“Shut up,” Louis finally interrupts, a reluctant smile on his face.

 

“Of course,” Nick agrees because he wants to see what this is. He wants to see where this is going and if he has to keep quiet for a bit for that to happen, then he absolutely will.

 

“It’s just… most people don't know.” Louis makes a small hand gesture, biting his lower lip. “Even the boys,” he adds hesitantly.

 

“No calling Harry to tell him I’ve banged his super hot bff,” Nick says, happy to see a pleased smile blossom on Louis’ face at the compliment. “I get it.”

 

“Thanks, I just - ”

 

“You don’t have to explain yourself,” Nick interrupts. “I get it,” he repeats sincerely. He’s received enough hateful messages from disgruntled, homophobic One Direction fans to understand the difficulty of Louis’ position.

 

They see each other almost everyday after that.

 

_ Now _

 

It takes at least forty minutes before Louis gets out of the bedroom and the second he does, Cynthia and her team pounces on him like predators. They don’t have the courtesy to ask how he’s holding up or how the phone call went, but judging from Louis’ guarded posture and red eyes, he doesn’t want to be bothered about it anyway. Still, Nick doesn’t get the chance to approach him as they drag him, and the rest of One Direction, into another room to discuss important secret things. Or at least that’s what Nick assumes. He’d be nervous for Louis and the outcome of this meeting if it weren’t for the fact that all the other boys are there to support him through it.

 

It doesn’t change the fact that the hour they spend all locked up there seem to be the longest of Nick’s life and that each second ticking by is slower than the one before. He just wants to talk to Louis. He just wants to make sure he’s okay, as okay as he can be in this situation, and that he’s feeling ready to confront the night’s crowd. He just wants to reassure him, and himself, that they can go through with this and that he’s not alone.

 

Nick can’t do any of that though. All he can do is wait in front of a closed door as the fate of the boy he loves is being decided and even though he knows, rationally, that any input he might have would probably be irrelevant, what with him not being an expert on any of this, he would still feel much better being let in if only to hold Louis’ hand. He knows he can’t and shouldn’t, but he still wants it so badly it hurts.

 

So he waits.

 

And waits.

 

*

 

He’s dozing off on the sofa, sleeping off the jetlag, when the door opens again and everyone comes out. Louis is a bit behind, the last one out with Zayn at his side, one of his arms protectively wrapped around Louis’ waist.

 

“Good luck for tonight,” Cynthia tells the boys before dragging her entire team out of the suite.

 

Nick doesn't know what they’ve decided in there and he’s not sure he’s allowed to ask. He feels a bit awkward standing there, unaware and uninformed but he doesn’t even know if they even have the time to indulge him and his questions. Surely the boys are due to the stadium something like yesterday?

 

And suddenly, like he’s been reading Nick’s freaking mind or something, Harry walks up to the sofa. “We have to get going, we’re already late to the stadium.”

 

“Of course,” Nick nods, voice a bit shot. He clears his throat loudly.

 

“You can’t come, obviously,” Harry says awkwardly, passing a nervous hand through his long locks, shaking the curls off his face. He looks young. They all look so young. “We don’t want more trouble for Louis and if people see you….”

 

“No, I know. I’ll stay here,” Nick replies quickly. He didn’t have any illusions about getting to see them perform tonight. He’s not even sure he’d have wanted to, if he’s completely honest with himself. It might be cowardly of him, he’s willing to admit it, but he’s not sure he could handle it if things turn sour. “I mean, if it’s okay?” he adds, looking out for Louis.

 

He’s in a corner of the room, still cuddled up with Zayn, and he frowns when Nick finally meets his gaze. “Where else would you go?” Louis asks rolling his eyes.

 

“It’s your super expensive suite Tomlinson, I’m only being polite.” Nick raises his hand in surrender.

 

Louis doesn’t miss a beat. “True, maybe we should get you something more on your level.”

 

“Yeah… this is weird,” Liam interrupts. He looks confused by the entire situation. Nick doesn’t have it in himself to care though; he’s merely relieved Louis seems to have gained a bit of his fire back. He’s going to need it for the show, that’s for sure.

 

“It is,” Harry agrees, nodding slowly. “But at the same time, I sort of see it. I get it.”

 

“Okay, we’re not gonna do this,” Louis claims, advancing in the room. “I haven’t even been out for 24 hours, you guys are not allowed to meddle.”

 

“But Louuuuuu,” Niall wines.

 

“No, no meddling. No commenting. Nothing.”

 

“No fun,” Niall whispers expressively.

 

“None of this is fun,” Louis says angrily, turning to face Niall. “It isn’t -”

 

“Sorry no,” Niall interrupts quickly in a panicked voice. “‘Course. Louis, I’m so sorry. Fuck. I didn’t mean it like that.”

 

Louis sighs, rubbing a finger on the crease between his eyebrows. “I know you didn’t. I’m sorry too. I know I’m being difficult.”

 

“It’s okay,” Liam says reassuringly.

 

“We’d be more worried if you were fine to be honest Lou,” Zayn says, pouncing on Louis from behind and hugging him tightly, nuzzling his head in Louis’ neck.

 

Louis sighs loudly, staring at the ceiling. His eyes are wet, but he’s trying to hide it. “Why are you guys so great, it makes me being rude so much harder…” he complains exaggeratedly.

 

“Deal with it Tommo!!” Niall smiles as he almost skips towards Louis and Zayn to get in their hug, grabbing Louis from the front, arms wrapping around both of his bandmate’s waists, hands tightly gripped on Zayn’s tee.

 

Liam doesn’t say anything, but he too joins in the cuddle, giving Louis a kiss on the cheek in the process.

 

“Band hug,” Harry adds as he rams into the pile, long arms wrapped around his four boys, Louis completely squished in the middle.

 

Nick feels a bit teary-eyed as he watches them.

 

_ Then _

 

“Your dog is so cute,” Louis tells him one night as they’re eating thai food sprawled on Nick’s bedroom floor.

 

She's misbehaving more than being cute at the moment, what with the determined way she's trying to climb Louis' body and get a bite of his chicken, but Nick still can't help but agree.

 

"She is my better half," he says with a big laugh.

 

Some people might think he's exaggerating when he says so and for sure Pig could do with a bit more training. She's messy and surprisingly opinionated for a creature that can't use words - well, a creature that can't use words that Nick understands at least - but she's still his favourite. Even when she puts a trail of mud through the flat, when she stubbornly refuses a bath or when she tries to steal his guests' food.

 

"Can't disagree with that mate," Louis says around his bite, chewing loudly. He takes the time to swallow before addressing Pig though, the idiot. "You're sweet, aren't you Pig? You're much sweeter than Nicholas here. Yes you are."

 

“I’d say you’re being a pest once again, but she really is isn’t she? Come here Pig dog, let Lou eat in peace, you silly girl.” Nick embarrassingly starts using a squeaky voice, making come hither hand gesture at his dog. Luckily, Louis seems to find his ridiculousness attractive, or at least endearing, if his snort and crinkled eyes are any indication.

 

“Hey, so I have a meeting tomorrow with the band, but I was thinking you could come over afterwards?” Louis slurps his noodles loudly.

 

“Well, I have meeting at the BBC around three, but sure.”

 

“You can bring take-out,” Louis offers like he’s having a stroke of genius, like they haven’t eaten take-out together every single time they’ve seen each other.

 

“One day you will cook for me Tomlinson,” Nick declares solemnly. He’ll make it happen whatever it takes. Screw the haters, he believes in his cause!

 

“Oh, like _you_ cooked for _me_?” Louis says nonchalantly as he gets up to put his food container in the garbage can of the en-suite bathroom.

 

It hardly seems fair to Nick that something that took him so much time, so much effort, and that brought him so much anxiety is being constantly mocked.

 

“Are you sulking Nicholas?” Louis asks from the other room.

 

“No,” Nick mumbles around his last bite.

 

“Awwwww, don’t be like that babe,” Louis says sweetly.

 

Nick feels a bit stupid but his heart skips a beat the moment he hears the endearment. Louis’ never called him babe before and even though they’ve only been _sort of_ seeing each other for a little bit, it’s an exciting development. It’s pretty clear it was only meant as a distraction the moment he steps into the bathroom though because he’s attacked by his shower-head before he even has the time to drop his Thai food container in the trash, with unpleasant results. He’s completely soaked through, there’s a puddle forming at his feet and he’s already started shivering.

 

“Are you kidding me?” Nick says as Louis giggles mockingly, mouth hidden in his hands, the shower-head cable wrapped around his forearm. He’s barefoot in the shower, water dripping next to him, looking a bit too delighted.

 

“Oooops?” Louis shrugs, widening his eyes comically.

 

“Oh it is on Tomlinson,” Nick says as he pounces.

 

*

 

 _What the hell??_ Nick can’t help but think as he does a double take at the sight of Louis sprawled on his sofa, one hand petting Pig perched on his belly and the other tangled in his own hair. There’s an abandoned cup of tea on the coffee table and a couple of half eaten biscuits that Nick is pretty sure weren’t there when he left for work that morning.

 

“How did you get in here?” Nick asks in a high uncertain voice. Either he’s hallucinating right now or his memory is playing tricks on him and Louis did spend the night. Neither option is particularly appealing; in fact they’re both equally worrying in terms of his overall well-being. He’s seriously considering calling his doctor for an appointment when Louis finally answers him.

 

“I picked your lock,” he replies with nonchalance. He’s smirking, the bastard. He broke into Nick’s flat and he’s smirking.

 

“You did what?” Nick asks feeling a bit confused.

 

Louis shrugs, making Pig accidentally wiggle a little. She huffs, offended. “Sorry Mrs,” Louis says in the adorable voice he reserves for animals or children.

 

“Louiiiiiiiiiiiiiis,” Nick makes the name as long as possible, stretching the syllable with his annoyance.

 

“I was bored, “ Louis replies, like that explains everything. “Started watching YouTube tutorials…” He shrugs again and this time Pig moves from his stomach to his feet with a dirty look.

 

“And the next logical step was to break into my flat obviously.”

 

“Had to practice, right?” Louis says with a cocky smile, raising his eyebrows flirtingly.

 

He looks so soft like this ( _so hot_ , a small voice in the back of Nick’s mind whispers) it hardly seems fair. Nick can’t be fully annoyed when he’s got a gorgeous boy waiting for him at home.

 

“Besides,” Louis continues, rubbing the small stripe of skin between his sweatpants and his t-shirt teasingly. “I knew you could entertain me when you’d get back.”

 

Nick opens his mouth to argue and takes a couple of step to enter the living room. He changes his mind halfway through though, deciding to sigh dramatically instead and drop on top of Louis, coat and shoes still on.

 

“What the fuck Grimshaw?!” Louis gasps, pushing at Nick’s torso weakly.

 

Nick doesn’t bulge though, hiding his face where Louis’ neck and shoulders meet.

 

“Get off of me!” Louis whines dramatically before giggling a little when Nick sighs again, tickling the skin of Louis’ neck.

 

“Nope,” Nick declares, letting his entire weight fall on Louis.

 

“Oh my god, Nicholas, get off of me, you creepy giant.” Louis starts squirming as he protests, wiggling desperately, trying to get off the sofa.

 

Nick chooses to blow a raspberry on Louis’ neck instead of responding; secretly hoping it’ll make him giggle cutely again. There’s nothing quite as satisfying as that sound, not even the way Louis often try to reassert his masculinity after making it.

 

Unfortunately, this cunning plan doesn’t come to fruition and Louis simply sighs and kicks his legs. Nick hears the sound of Pig getting off the sofa, her plaintive bark as she leaves the room and he’s pleased that at least he’s not the only person disappointed at the moment.

 

“You’re gonna let me go eventually?” Louis asks, voice muffled by the fabric of Nick’s coat. “Or are you planning on letting me suffocate under here?”

 

“‘Course not,” Nick replies, sitting up on Louis’ lap.

 

As soon as he’s freed, Louis goes for his fringe, arranging and rearranging it obsessively. It’s oddly hypnotizing to watch him do so. It’s not the first time Nick’s seen it of course, he’s watched enough One Direction videos to know Zayn Malik is not the only member of the band concerned with his physical appearance at all times, yet there’s still something eerily private in watching him do so up close, when he’s soft and the public persona is off. He looks sweet and sleepy. Nick wants to cuddle him all day.

 

“Still suffocating me,” Louis complains, hands still glued to his hair.

 

“Poor kitten,” Nick mocks as he reaches down to press a little kiss to Louis’ nose. “Hi,” he adds against Louis’ face and just as he’s about to finally get up, Louis leaves his fringe alone and wraps his arms around Nick’s neck, taking him by surprise, keeping him close.

 

“Hi,” Louis whispers before giving him a proper kiss. “Hello.”

 

“Hello, still want me to get off?”

 

“You can stay a bit,” Louis replies between kisses. “Just a little while, please.”

 

*

 

The night of the Brits, Nick is so nervous he feels like he might vibrate out of his body. It’s not the idea of presenting that has him so on edge, of course not. He has a lot of experience with those type of things and while he always gets a bit of a thrill at the perspective of being in front of so many people as opposed to hidden away in his BBC studio as usual, he’s still confident enough to know things will go well. It’s not even his cheeky snog with James Corden, in front of everyone, which has him so on edge.

 

It’s Louis. Of course.

 

It’s a bit stupid, he knows, but they haven’t been in the same place, in public, together since the _Class of ’92_ premiere and Nick cant help but remember how much of a disaster it ended up being. It did give some pretty amazing results long term, but the evening in itself, and their drunken loo discussion, was everything but a success. Luckily there was no witness, but tonight might not be the same.

 

More importantly though, things are different now; they’ve had sex. They’ve had very athletic sex. Many times. In many different positions. Not only that, but secret sex, _secret clandestine you must never ever tell another living soul_ sex. What is Nick supposed to do if he sees Louis? Does he say hi? Does he ignore him? Will Louis be mad if he ignores him? Or will he be mad if he doesn’t ignore him? Normally, Nick wouldn’t have paid any attention to him at all, despite his humiliating crush. He would have given him a bit of a stare, maybe some creepy looks to that famous bum, but nothing obvious and clearly no actual real contact. He can’t do that now though. What if someone notices him staring? He can’t risk anyone suspecting! It’s a bloody nightmare is what it is and it plagues him throughout the entire evening, so much he barely manages to enjoy himself. He just drinks and drinks some more, trying to avoid any and all members of the band.

 

He has a close encounter with Harry in the bathroom and he’s so enthusiastic at the prospect of seeing Nick after so long that he doesn’t have it in him to try and ignore him. They end up having a mini heart to heart, brought on by Harry’s drunken weirdo brain, while One Direction wins the Global Success award. So much for staying as far away from One Direction as possible to avoid suspicion…. It’s a bloody fucking nightmare.

 

Nick is escaping the after party, smoking in a dark alley behind the club when he hears a door opening and closing.

 

“Can I get one?” he hears Louis’ voice and his heart actually stops, his sense heightening as he takes in their surroundings.

 

“You shouldn’t be here,” Nick whispers, looking around the alley for hidden paps. There’s mostly garbage, a few stray cats cuddling for warmth and a strong smell of piss, but still, one can never be too careful.

 

“Why?” Louis asks, looking clearly puzzled. He wriggles his fingers impatiently and Nick sighs before handing him a fag.

 

“What if people see?” Nick asks hesitantly, offering Louis his lighter.

 

“See what? Me smoking? ‘M afraid that ship has already sailed mate, it’s not really a secret.”

 

Nick shakes his head and sighs again, with irritation this time, hoping Louis will notice. Of fucking course he’s the only one worrying about them being together.

 

“I meant you and me?” Nick slurs. He’s a bit, a lot, drunk, but he’s been worried all evening, he’s pretty sure the least Louis could do is agree with him.

 

Louis just laughs. “Right. I don’t think anyone would really guess anything Grimshaw, I mean. We hate each other remember? It was on twitter so obviously it means it’s true,” he says mockingly.

 

“That’s…” It makes a lot of sense, annoyingly, and Nick feels like he’s wasted his entire evening on unnecessary concerns.

 

“Wait,” Louis says as he blows some smoke, trying, and failing, to make a smoke ring. “Were you worried?” he asks with a giggle.

 

“You said not to tell anybody!” Nick protests. “I was worried people might _suspect_.” He whispers the word, like saying it too loud will bring out a horde of curious strangers to peek at their secret gathering.

 

“Awwww, that’s sweet,” Louis mocks. “You were worrying about me, how adorable.”

 

“No, I wasn’t,” Nick lies. “I just didn’t know how you wanted us to proceed is all.”

 

Louis doesn’t seem to know either. It’s too dark to properly see his face, but he doesn’t say anything for a long time, just keeps on smoking in silence, shivering a bit from the cold. He doesn’t have a coat on, the silhouette of him tiny in the shadowy backstreet.

 

“We should just act like normal,” Louis ends up saying. He sounds a bit hesitant.

 

“We wouldn’t be talking to each other right now if it were like normal though,” Nick argues. He needs Louis to acknowledge his dilemma. He can’t be the only one who’s been plagued by this. He refuses.

 

“I mean in public,” Louis argues, always having a reply handy. “We’re not in public right now.”

 

“Yeah but we’re not behaving like we usually are when we aren’t in public either,” Nick replies. Even though the sentence barely made sense in his head, he’s pretty sure he has a point.

 

Louis whistles. “That’s a bit kinky Grimshaw,” he teases. “I didn’t know this type of scenery gets you going.”

 

“No,” Nick feels himself reddening. Thankfully it’s too dark for Louis to notice. “That’s not what I meant. You know that’s not what I meant,” he tries to save the situation a bit, but he knows he’s probably only making it worst. “Not that there’s anything wrong with being a bit kinky, I’m all for the kinks, just… you know, not piss covered alley that look like a murder scene.”

 

“I’m just fucking with you.”

 

“I just don’t want to be the reason you get outed in a shitty newspaper,” Nick admits shyly. “It’s not that crazy, right?”

 

“No,” Louis gulps. “No, it’s –“ He stops himself and takes a deep breath. “Thanks."

 

They’re never seen in public again during their relationship.

_ Now _

 

“I don’t want to be the one to break this moment but we really have to go,” Liam says awkwardly from the cuddle pile.

 

“Wouldn’t be daddy direction if you didn’t keep us line Leeyum,” Zayn replies mocking, making Louis laughs wetly.

 

They separate slowly like Moses’ parted sea, revealing an emotional Louis in the middle of their puppy pile. Nick feels like it should be his turn to get a hug; he wants to touch Louis, wrap him up, make sure he’s okay, but he’s still not sure what the boundaries are, still not sure what he’s allowed to do in the others’ presence.

 

“This,” Louis starts with a sniff and roll of the eyes, pointing to his face, “is gonna be a mess to fix for Lou.”  

 

“She works wonders on your ugly mug every night, I reckon she’ll fix this in an instant, am I right lads?” Niall messes up Louis’ hair as he says it. “I need to get some stuff from my room, see you in the corridor in a bit,” he adds as he exits and it barely takes a few seconds before a chorus of “me toos” are heard and the suite is suddenly empty. They’re clearly doing Nick a favour here.

 

He still stays in silence for a bit though, unsure where to start.

 

“You don’t wanna know how the meeting went?” Louis asks as he starts picking some stuff up and putting them in a bag.

 

“I’d rather know how it went with your mum to be honest, but I don’t think we have time to discuss either, right?” Nick admits.

 

Louis shakes his head and keeps on packing. It takes a couple of minutes and then he joins Nick on the sofa.

 

“It went okay for both. I think. They’re gonna release a statement before the show confirming I’m…. you know, and asking for privacy and shit. I dunno the details and I don’t really care. As long as I’m not doing an interview about it straight away then I’m good.”

 

“Okay,” Nick says, nodding slowly. “As long as that’s what’s you’re comfortable with…”

 

“I really have to go but maybe…” He hesitates, giving Nick small side looks. “Maybe we can talk about it when I’m back?”

 

“Of course.” Nick feels a mixture of confused and sad that Louis would even feel the need to ask, that he would, even for one second, think that Nick could ever refuse him that. “Louis, of course. I’m here for you, whatever you need.”

 

“Thank you, I know I don’t deserve it, but thank you so much for coming.” He gets up as soon as it’s out of his mouth and almost runs to the door, leaving Nick in shock and confused, but mostly heartbroken.

 

“Don’t be stupid Lou,” Nick yells after him as Louis opens the door and leaves.

 

He’s feeling sad, disoriented. He thinks he might puke or faint at the thought of Louis feeling like he doesn’t deserve Nick’s support, head dizzy with dark thoughts and concerns. He does neither, in the end. He just curls up in the smallest ball possible on the posh sofa and sleeps, hoping things won’t be as bleak when he wakes up.

 

_ Then _

 

“Your dog is staring at us,” Louis says in an uncertain voice just as Nick was about to put his mouth on Louis’ dick.

 

He sighs loudly, tickling Louis’ belly in the process, making him squirm a little.

 

“That’s unfortunate,” he ends up replying as he tries to mentally prepare himself to get up. This whole dog business is ruining the mood and Nick liked the mood they had going on. Unfortunate is quite the euphemism.

 

“That’s creepy as fuck you mean,” Louis laughs.

 

“Poor thing though, she had no idea what she was stumbling on… Can you imagine? Enters living room looking for cuddles, gets a view of Louis Tomlinson’s knob instead,” Nick shudders exaggeratedly.

 

“I’ll have you know that there’s a lot of people around the world who want to see my knob, you and Pig should feel honoured.”

 

It is indeed a very nice cock, Nick can’t argue with that. He was quite looking forward to blowing it before they got interrupted.

 

“Can’t argue with that,” Nick declares teasingly into Louis’ crotch, voice low and seductive.

 

“Just get her away Nicholas!!” Louis whines, reddened face hidden in his hands. “I can’t with her innocent eyes on me, get her away and blow me!”

 

“That’s not a very nice way to ask,” Nick says as he rubs a slow finger underneath the tip of Louis’ still hardened cock. A drop of precome drips on his finger and Nick makes a show of licking it with a loud moan.

 

“Please, please, please, okay? Satisfied? I can’t be nicer than that right now,” Louis babbles incoherently. Nick is quickly learning that Louis falls apart most beautifully when teased over and over again.

 

“Yeah, that’ll do sweetheart,” Nick replies. He gives the head of Louis’ dick a little kiss, a little teaser of what’s to come, before turning towards where Pig is sitting, frozen and staring at them.

 

Nick loves her but he has to give it to Louis, she looks extremely creepy like this.

 

*

 

“Please, please, please, pleaaaaaaaaase,” Daisy begs on the phone a few days later.

 

“I’ll think about it,” Nick replies a bit exasperated. He’s supposed to meet up with Louis tonight, but he can’t exactly tell her that.

 

“You haven’t been out in ages.” Daisy pouts. Nick can’t see her, but he knows. He just knows she’s pouting at him, streets and miles stretching between them. “The whole gang will be there, it’ll be fun!”

 

“I already said I’d think about it!” He does his best not to sound too petulant and annoyed because she _is_ kind of right, as painful as it is for him to admit it.

 

He hasn’t been out in ages and he’d even go as far to say that he’s been a bad friend. Constantly unavailable, absentminded, inattentive…  He doesn’t like to ponder on it too long because it makes him feel like the worst human being on Earth but it’s true. He’s not even sure he wants to actually go out. He’s not even sure if wants to see the people he’s supposedly the closest to. It’s just getting harder and harder to keep things separate is the thing and it’s driving him mad. He’s running out of excuses as to why he can’t see his friends and some days, it just seems easier to him not to see them at all, even if it makes him feel like complete shit to think so.

 

Nick knows what the solution could be, even if the thought of it frightens him a little. He hasn’t talked to Louis about telling a few people about them but he’s been thinking. He’s been thinking about it more and more. It’s only been a few weeks… Well months technically, but Nick still isn’t sure what it is that they are. He’s not even sure what he wants them to be, what Louis wants them to be, which makes it all the harder for him to bring it up. It would be difficult and complicated to ask of a boyfriend, let alone the _guy I’m currently shagging._ There’s no easy way to say: “please come out to people you barely know and trust so that I can gossip with my friends and start having a social life again without feeling guilty.” And that’s without taking the whole fame thing into consideration either. Nick can’t see himself asking. He doesn’t really want to be the guy that asks either.

 

Daisy’s voice brings him back to Earth, her tone cautious and concerned. “We’re worried Grimmy.”

 

Nick laughs in response, but he knows that, to her, it sounds unconvincing. “Why would you be worried? There’s nothing to be worried about?” he makes his voice more incredulous than necessary, hoping Daisy will have the delicacy not to investigate it further.

 

She’s one of his best friends though, so of course she refuses to drop it.

 

“It’s just… you’ve been weird, distant. Not like.... in bad shape or down, at least it doesn’t seem so. You even seem.... happy? But you’re not your normal self and that worries me. I wanna know if things are good babe.”

 

“It is, they are. I promise.” It’s not even a lie, Nick finds as he says it. She’s right. He is happy, even if it’s complicated.

 

“Isolating yourself is not a good sign,” she scowls softly.

 

“I have not been isolating myself, don’t be silly Daisy. I’m getting older is all. Big 3-0 coming up, I’ve got to level up a bit, be more mature and stuff.”

 

“You will be a child at heart when you’re a hundred years old Nick Grimshaw, this is obviously a piss poor excuse. I will forgive you though. Only if you promise to come out tonight. And you join us for Sunday roast tomorrow. And you stop being a distant idiot.”

 

“That’s a lot of promises.” Nick waits a bit, making eyes at Pig, letting the suspense built. “Fine. Happy now? I’m leaving boring old me behind and coming back into the world.”

 

“Wouhou!!” Daisy cheers, before babbling that she has to go and get ready. “Bye bye bye bye,” she tells him between loud kissing noises.

 

“Bye love!”

 

Great, now he has to cancel on Louis.

 

*

 

“Don’t be such a child, I’m allowed to see my friends,” Nick sighs into the phone a few minutes later. He knew he should have cancelled by text, but no, he wanted to be considerate. And what does he get? A fight for his nice efforts.

 

“Nobody is denying that Nick. I’m just saying. I kept my Saturday night for you, wouldn’t it have been too fucking hard to warn me a few days ago? Before I decided not to make plans? Before I committed to seeing you?”

 

Nick gets the point, he really does. Louis’ attitude is still rubbing him the wrong way.

 

‘It’s not like you don’t have a million other offers popstar. And I’ve spent literally every hour outside of work with you the past few weeks, surely you can make it one night without my dick.”

 

“Oh, please. Easily,” Louis grits into the phone.

 

“Well, then I don’t see what you’re freaking out about! We’re supposed to see each other on Monday anyway, I haven’t seen my friends in ages, they’re worried.”

 

“What? You can’t make it without them holding your hand for a week?” Louis says snidely and that just gets to Nick.

 

“They know something’s up. They’re not idiots. I already have to lie to them for you, I’m not going to ignore them as well.”

 

“I’m not asking you to!!” Louis shrieks and he sounds more panicky than angry.

 

That calms Nick a bit, that stressed tone, the way he knows Louis is probably fidgeting anxiously right now, worried he’s asking for too much with the secrecy, worried that he maybe isn’t worth lying for. He always tries to look tough and fierce, untouchable by anything, but Nick is starting to know better, to see through the cracks. He’s starting to know Louis and he doesn’t want him to feel like that, even when they’re fighting.

 

“I know,” Nick says soothingly, secretly hoping his tone alone can diffuse the tension. “I know you’re not asking that and I’m not mad that you don’t want me to talk about it. But I can’t just disappear, you get that right?”

 

Louis sighs loudly and doesn’t answer for a long time, making Nick’s heart beat uneasily in his chest, its fierce thump thump noise the soundtrack of his mental freak out. Have they taken it too far? Has he ruined everything? It’s fragile, the two of them… Nick needs to take care of it.

 

“I do, I’m sorry. That was….”

 

“I get it,” Nick interrupts quickly. “I should have tried to warn you more in advance, that wasn’t cool.”

 

“Yeah…” Louis mumbles.

 

“Maybe I can come over after?” He doesn’t want to delve into the secret thing, not yet, not now. It has the potential to break them, and Nick isn’t ready for that. He hopes Louis takes this for the peace offering that it is.

 

“Yeah that’s…. It works.”

 

Nick can’t help the tiny sigh of relief that comes out of his mouth. “Good. I don’t want to fight with you,” It makes Nick smiles as he says it, knowing exactly what’s coming.

 

“Liar, we fight all the time,” Louis teases.

 

“Not real fighting.” Nick rolls his eyes at an invisible camera. They would make a great reality show, the both of them. If their relationship had to be described in two words, those two words would be banter and drama, both great qualities for telly.

 

“Still,” Louis adds, annoyingly unable to let Nick have the final word. Two can play that game though.

 

“We would make the most amazing reality TV show, don’t you think?”

 

It makes Louis laughs loudly for a long time.

 

“Don’t you think though?” Nick insists. “We could bitch behind each other’s back AND to each other’s face. They’d have to bleep us out all the time what with all the trash and filth we speak.”

 

Louis just cackles and snorts and laughs. Nick loves himself a lot for turning it around.

 

“I think,” Louis starts staying, a bit out of breath.

 

“No, don’t say anything, you’ll ruin it. I can already see it in my mind.”

 

“Shut up Grimshaw! I was gonna say that I think one reality show is enough for a lifetime.”

 

“Do I hear a complaint Tomlinson? How shocking,” Nick teases, knowing very well what Louis meant.

 

“‘Course not, don’t be a dick.”

 

“I was kidding, but okay.”

 

“You know what, let’s end this here before we start arguing again. I’ll see you later at mine, just text me or show up, whatever. Bye.” There’s a second of silence before Louis adds: “Have fun.”

 

“Thanks,” Nick replies, too slow to get Louis before he hangs up. He shakes his head slowly, a rueful smile on his face. Louis’ fun. He really wishes he could tell people that tonight.

 

_ Now _

 

Nick wakes up violently with a small gasp and it takes him a few disorienting seconds of trying to localize the threat before he remembers there is none. Or at least, not a tangible one.

 

Afternoon has turned into evening, the room darkened, haunting and unfamiliar. It makes Nick feel more alone than ever and he scrambles up awkwardly, starting to light up the room, trying to get rid of the nasty oppressing feeling in his chest. It doesn’t really work but at least the place doesn’t seem as cold and frightening.

 

There’s still a couple of hours before the end of the show, before the boys’ return, and Nick has to physically restrain himself from checking twitter and other social media for news on how it’s going. He knows it would only bring him more anxiety and he already feels powerless which might be, he starts thinking, the feeling he loathes the most in the entire world. He hates, hates, hates it.

 

Nick starts walking around the room aimlessly once every light is on, hoping to distract himself from the urges but he knows, deep down, it’s a lost cause. He’s too scared to open the telly, terrified he’ll accidentally see something upsetting about Louis, and the mere thought of touching his phone is proper nauseating. Just imagining the millions of inquisitive texts on it is enough to give him palpitations. He needs a true distraction. He toys with the idea of arranging and cleaning up the mess of clothes on both the bedroom’s and bathroom’s floors, but he’s pretty sure Louis likes it that way, if his house is anything to go by. Louis’ mess, as irritating as Nick always finds it to be, is always carefully constructed in a system that, while nonsensical to any other human being, is clear to its owner. He wants to occupy himself but he knows touching Louis’ stuff is a risk at the best of times. He’s not trying it in the middle of a crisis.

 

He opts for a long hot shower to wash away the day’s… everything, even managing to be temporarily delighted by all that the luxurious bathroom has to offer. He lets himself use Louis’ shampoo with the minimum amount of guilt, wrapping himself into Louis’ smell and the warmth and comfort it brings. He’ll deny it to the grave, but he missed it.  Once he’s done pampering himself, he does feel slightly more relaxed but he’s still disappointed to realize only one hour has passed and there’s still plenty of time to kill.

 

It doesn’t take very long for the anxiety to come back and he literally feels like he’s going to explode a mere ten minutes after he’s come out of the shower. He almost considers jumping right back in until Louis comes back but it’s a bit too intense even for him. He’s not good with waiting is the thing. He gets twitchy, impatient, frustrated. The whole situation feels like a nightmare and for one crazy second, Nick considers the fact that he might still be asleep. Maybe he’s back home, in London and still hasn’t woken up for the show. Maybe he just misses Louis so much that his subconscious is inventing surrealist scenarios for them to see each other again. The whole day, after all, has been tainted with the same fuzziness, the same craziness, as most dreams. It wouldn’t be that much of a leap. Nick takes a deep breath, sits on Louis’ bed and actually pinches himself.

 

“Ow!” He yelps in response, surprised by both his skin sensibility and his strength. “Not dreaming then, okay.”

 

As soon as he starts talking to himself, he realizes that’s what he needed all along. He needs to vent. He needs to tell somebody. He needs to share. He hasn’t had that opportunity in almost eight months. He’s going mental.

 

Choosing to ignore the five or so hour difference, Nick picks up his mobile, ignores his texts and calls Daisy. It’s time for him to be honest with his friends and she was one of the first who noticed something was up with him. If anyone deserves the truth, it’s her.

 

She picks up after two rings, like she was waiting for it.

 

“What’s wrong?” she asks in lieu of a greeting.

 

“What makes you think anything is wrong?” Nick tests, a bit bewildered at her sharp answer.

 

“You didn’t do the show today. You left Pig with Aimee and Ian? And you haven’t been answering your phone! Tell me where you are. Did you have a meltdown?” her voice gets soft and compassionate on the word meltdown. Great, pity. Exactly what Nick needed. “Are you back home? At your parents?” she adds, frantic again.

 

“Do I ever get the chance to answer any of those questions or …?” Nick asks jokingly. He wants to tell, but it’s harder than he expected. He thought things would be easy after Harry, thought doing the first one would give him an advantage for the rest, would make him feel secure. How incredibly naive of him to imagine so. It’s not easy. It’s just as hard and he feels just as horrible. Like trash or worse; like a bad friend.

 

“You just called me in the middle of the night after pulling a disappearing act! You didn’t even tell Aimee or Pix or anyone where you were going.” Daisy stops herself for a little bit, gulping loudly and when she speaks again her voice soundly wobbly, like she’s going to cry. Nick wants to smack himself. “You didn’t even call.”

 

“I told Fifi,” Nick mumbles, heart filled with embarrassment and shame. She’s one of the only one he told in his panic. He couldn’t help it, couldn’t stop himself from blurting it out, but he did ask her not to tell. Daisy’s right, he didn’t even share with Aimee… He didn’t even stop to consider how it would look. He just dropped his dog mysteriously on his friends’ doorstep before running off without a word. They must have been worried sick. No wonder Daisy’s upset.

 

“Good for her!” Daisy replies, sounding less sad and angrier.

 

Nick has to admit that the Fiona confession might not have been the kindest reply. “I wasn’t thinking,” he says, apologetic. “I should have told you guys.”

 

“Hell yeah you should have.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Nick replies in a small voice. It just gets smaller and smaller every phrase he says and he’s almost scared he won’t have a voice left when the time to truly confess comes. How is he supposed to do this? He’s trying to gather his courage to tell her more, but he can’t imagine admitting his thing with Louis will do anything to calm her down. If anything it’ll probably piss her off more. And rightfully so. 

 

“Are you gonna tell me where you are? What happened? Or is this just a social call?” she’s inquiring and this is it. This is the moment.

 

“Chicago.”

 

There’s a second of what Nick can only assume is stunned silence before Daisy replies. “You’re where?” she asks, swapping anger for surprise and confusion.

 

“Chicago,” Nick repeats timidly.

 

“As in, the city in the States?”

 

Nick nods slowly before remembering she can’t see him. “Yes,” he mumbles.

 

“In America?” she insists.

 

“Yes.”

 

“What the fuck Nick?”

 

He closes his eyes and sighs; he can feel the tears coming and how pathetic is that. He can’t even tell her without breaking down. “I know,” he says, trying to hide it.

 

“I thought you were sick or something…”

 

“I’m not,” Nick sniffs and oh how he hates that sound, how he hates that he can’t even keep it in. “I had someone to see, it was urgent.”

 

“Who? Who the hell did you have to see that couldn’t wait for the weekend? I don’t understand?” She sounds more and more confused, angrier and angrier, like she’s trying so hard to make sense of things but she’s can’t and it drives her crazy.

 

“Louis Tomlinson.”

 

There’s a long pause. It stretches uncomfortably and Nick rubs his eyes silently, hoping whatever she says next will be supportive.

 

She doesn’t say anything. She just waits. She waits and Nick wishes he could explain himself but he doesn’t have the words for it.

 

“He was outed today,” he babbles. It's the only thing he can offer and surely she’ll get it now, she'll get it somehow.

 

“I saw,” Daisy replies curtly.

 

There’s another long silence.

 

“Any particular reason why you felt the need to support him in person?” She’s very neutral but the question still feels loaded and no matter what’s his answer, Nick knows it’ll be the wrong one.

 

He gulps and dives in. “Because he asked me.”

 

He can hear her surprised gasp. It’s small and she tries to hide it, but Nick can hear it.

 

“And why would he ask you?” she continues stoically. She must know by now. There’s no way she doesn’t.

 

Nick lets himself fall in Louis’ pillow. “You know why,” he replies shyly. There’s no way she hasn’t guessed, she knows him too well. She’s not stupid.

 

“No, I don’t. I clearly don’t because you haven’t told me anything,” she says, irritated and emotional.

 

“I couldn’t,” Nick replies and he’s crying now, full on crying. ‘I’m sorry, God. This is so fucked up Daisy.”

 

“Nick…” She sounds distressed and that just makes him cry even more. “Babe, please calm down. Please, please.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“I know and it doesn’t matter. I’m not… Just tell me what’s going on?”

 

“It’s just so unfair,” Nick whines between sobs. "It's unfair. He didn't deserve that."

 

Daisy makes a small comforting noise. "I know, it's horrible," she agrees.

 

"It's so unfair," he repeats. This might be the lowest moment of his life. He's shaking. "He's... Fuck Daisy, he was so upset and I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say to help."

 

"Oh, honey. Just be there," she offers in a sweet voice. “Yeah? Just be there for him.”

 

“I know but it’s hard.” Nick is so angry. He’s so angry and so sad. “I just want to kill everyone, you know? I just want to find that dickhead and… set everything he loves on fire.”

 

Daisy hums in agreement, letting him cry for a bit.

 

“I love him,” he admits. “I love him and it’s not fair. That’s not how -” Nick struggles to take a breath and stops speaking as he tries to control himself. He doesn’t cry that often, but when he does, it’s ugly and messy.

 

“Shit!” Daisy exclaims. “Grimmy, what the hell?” she says with a wet laugh. “Louis Tomlinson?”

 

It calms him down a bit, makes him laugh a little. “I know, right? It’s so…”

 

“Unexpected?”

 

Nick shakes his head. “No.”

 

“It kind of is honey. I had about fifty different hypothesis and none of them were coupled up with Louis Tomlinson?” She laughs again like it’s most ridiculous thing she’s ever heard. Maybe it is.

 

“We’re not -” He shakes his head again, even though he knows she can’t see him. “We’re not coupled up. We’re not a couple. I meant it when I said it was fucked up.”

 

“Tell me everything,” Daisy asks.

 

So he does.

 

By the time he reaches the last time he and Louis saw each other before the tour, Nick doesn't have any more tears left.

 

_ Then _

 

Louis is leaving for South America in a couple of days and they are not talking about it. It’s kind of their thing actually, not talking. Nick’s noticed. But there’s not much to talk about at this point really. Louis is leaving. He has packing and meetings and all sorts of important last minute details to prepare for what is essentially eight months away. Their time is up.  

 

“Well,” Louis ends up saying once he gets to the door.  He’s fixing a point on the wall behind Nick, stubbornly refusing to look at him and Nick hates where this is going. He knows, but he hates it. “This was fun.”

 

“We watched reruns of Celebrity Big Brother for four hours while you threw crisps at me, fun is not the word I would use,” Nick jokes, hoping to defuse the tension. He’s getting dumped. Louis isn’t even his boyfriend and he’s still getting dumped.

 

Louis smiles and hides it in his hand, rubbing the tip of his nose awkwardly. “I mean, that was definitely fun for me, but I uh…” He gulps. “I mean… You know.” He gesticulates between them, unable to express what it is that they are. It’s not a new inability, but it still hurts.

 

“I know,” Nick replies in a rough voice, putting Louis out of his misery. “It was.”

 

Nick is in love with Louis. That’s what they are. He’s in love with Louis and he’s not going to be able to say anything. He hates himself a little more with each passing second, but he knows he’s not going to say anything because it’s not them, it’s not that type of relationship, and while he can deal with being dumped like an adult, he’s not sure he could handle exposing himself that way and be rejected.

 

There’s no way they would do it is the thing. How could they? Sappy Skype sessions and long phone calls while Louis is away being busy and amazing? Please. Nick knows better than that. They had fantastic sex and that’s what kept them reaching to each other and now Louis is going to go and be great and have fantastic, secret sex with some other bloke. And Nick will spend hours angsting over it in a blanket burrito with his dog. It was always going to be this way.

 

“I guess this is it,” Louis says with a shy shrug.

 

“Yeahhh…” Nick nods like he agrees, like this is what he wants. “I mean, of course,” he adds way too enthusiastically. “Can’t really booty call someone from Brazil, right?” He laughs loudly, cackles almost.

 

Something settles in Louis’ shoulder and he finally looks into Nick’s eyes. “Of course not. Exactly. Thank you though,” he says, extending a hand towards Nick and what else can he do but shake it, engulf this tiny precious hand into his bear paw and hold on tightly for the few seconds that they’re allowing themselves.

 

He’s getting dumped with a handshake. That is certainly a first.

 

“Thank you,” Nick says, still shaking Louis’ hand and it’s been too long now but he can’t let go. “As you said, fun times. And good luck with the whole boyband, stadiums thing. It’s great stuff.” He needs to shut the fuck up yesterday.

 

“Thanks, good luck with… things,” Louis ends up saying after a moment of hesitation. “Bye,” he adds, gripping Nick’s shoulder and reaching on his tiptoes to kiss his cheek before opening the door and walking out of Nick’s life.

 

Nick shakes his head at how quickly the tears come to his eyes.

 

“Well,” he tells Pig who’s staring at him inquisitively. “That’s that done then.”

 

_ Now _

 

He’s still talking to Daisy when Louis comes back. Time has run away from him and he’s actually surprised, jerking in the bed with a croaky yelp when Louis appears in the bedroom’s doorway. He didn’t even hear him come in. He’s not crying anymore, at least, but he knows he probably looks terrible; red eyed and snotty, surrounded by used Kleenex.

 

“Hey,” Louis says slowly, eyes looking back and forth between Nick and the mess on the bed.

 

“Louis’ here, I’m gonna have to call you back,” Nick says blandly in the before hanging up without giving Daisy the opportunity to answer. “Hey,” he adds towards Louis, trying to sit himself in a more dignified position. Anything that doesn't scream _I've been crying in your bed for about two hours._  “Are you okay? How did it go?”

 

“Good,” Louis says hesitantly, frowning at the Kleenex. This is humiliating. “Are you okay?” he asks pointedly.

 

“Fine. I’m great,” Nick lies too quickly. He's exhausted and emotional, but Louis doesn't t need to know that.

 

Louis doesn’t reply.

 

“I realize this looks bad but it’s cool. Had a bit of a…. heart to heart with Daisy. She was a tinsy bit worried what with me disappearing suddenly and not telling anyone where I was going and everything,” Nick babbles without taking a breath. “But it’s cool.”

 

“Nick,” Louis sighs, looking devastated.

 

“It’s good,” Nick insists, dumping the Kleenex to the floor frantically. “Tell me how it went with your mum and the show and everything?” He pats the bed as invitingly as possible.

 

“You don’t look okay,” Louis says, still standing in the doorway.

 

Nick blinks quickly to hide the tears. “It was an emotional call.”

 

Louis’ face completely falls as soon as Nick says it. “I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s not your fault,” Nick laughs wetly. “You’ve had a worse day than I did, don’t apologize.”

 

“I’m sorry about asking you to lie to your friends. I know it was hard for you and it was inconsiderate of me to do that and I’m sorry.”

 

There’s something like warmth and relief spreading in Nick’s belly. He didn’t know how much he needed to hear it before it was out of Louis’ mouth. He rubs his eyes quickly and shakes his head before letting out a small sigh, unsure how he should response. “Thank you for acknowledging that,” is what he settles for. “It means a lot to me.”

 

Louis nods and smiles shyly, burying his right hand into the hair at the nape of his neck.

 

“While we’re apologizing…” Nick hums. “I told Daisy about… us. Without asking you. Sorry.”

 

“No much left to keep secret -”

 

“Still,” Nick interrupts. “I’m sorry.”

 

Louis nods again and his smile brightens a bit. It’s still a tiny little thing, barely a fraction of Louis’ usual sunshine persona, but it’s good. It’s better.

 

“I told Fifi too,” Nick adds sheepishly. “I kind of had a major freak out in the studio.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Louis says again. “I’m so sorry I dragged you into to this, I feel awful.”

 

“Please,” Nick begs, his entire body tensing. “Please stop saying that. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be here and you do deserve support. I don’t what that shit you pulled earlier before leaving was but… don’t.”

 

“Okay,” Louis agrees with surprising docility and Nick thinks it might be the first time he’s done so. Or at least the first time he’s seen it.

 

“Where are the others?” Nick asks before Louis gets the chance to change his mind and start arguing back.

 

“In their rooms. They said they wanted to give us privacy. I think it’s code for wanting to gossip about me.”

 

Nick laughs. That sounds like them. “Good, come on then, talk to me,” Nick says, motioning to the bed again, hoping it doesn’t come across as too forward. “Join my sob fest.”

 

It makes Louis laughs and he quickly joins Nick, cuddling up to him naturally, like they’ve never stopped doing this.

 

“So,” Louis says.

 

“So,” Nick agrees, rubbing Louis’ wrists with two fingers, his heart beating faster at the thought of daring to hold his hand. He restrains himself though. Now is not the time for that. Now is not the time to figure out if Louis calling him means what Nick hopes it means.

 

“The show went great,” Louis admits, eyes filling with tears. “There was…” He sniffs. “There were so many supportive signs, Nick. It was… incredible.”

 

Nick feels his heart fill up with the way Louis’ eyes light up as he admits it, the way he looks soft and pleased. “Lou, that’s great. That’s so great.”

 

“Yeah. I mean, a few …” He shrugs awkwardly. “A few gross stuff of course, but security got to most of them pretty quickly. There was a few more empty seats than usual though,” he adds with a small voice.

 

“You don’t want that kind of audience anyway,” Nick automatically replies, fierce and angry. He firmly believes it too.

 

“I guess so.”

 

“No, we know so,” Nick argues, easily falling back into old patterns.

 

Louis nods in Nick’s shoulder. “Yeah, we do. The boys’ said so too.”

 

“If One Direction says it, then it’s obviously the law. At least according to millions of teens online.”

 

“Correct,” Louis agrees. He takes a deep breath, exhaling loudly, body relaxing against Nick’s.

 

“I’m glad it was good,” Nick whispers into Louis’ hair.

 

“Me too. I mean, I haven’t read anything and I’ve been told to stay away from twitter for a bit.”

 

“Wise advice,” Nick agrees, remembering the sting of this specific form of online bullying. Louis doesn’t need anything like this. “So, you’re not gonna be forced to go on some late night show to say how much you regret the depravity of your actions and that filming yourself while having sex was a big mistake and you would never ever ever encourage any kids to repeat those terrible mistakes?” Nick asks.

 

He was kind of surprised earlier when Louis told him they’d only release a statement. It seemed like with One Direction’s audience, they’d want to milk to whole repentant popstar who would never want to see another naive teen follow in his footstep thing.

 

“I said no. This is humiliating enough, I’m not gonna give them more opportunity to mock me. I think they’ll write something on twitter about being young or whatever. All that sorry bullshit,” Louis says angrily.

 

“You don’t seem too happy about it,” Nick comments. He’s not surprised. Louis has never been the do as you’re told type.

 

“Compromises,” Louis replies tensely. “It was the best of a fuckload of terrible options.”

 

Nick snorts. “And do you?”

 

“Do I what?”

 

“Regret doing it?”

 

“You wanna know if I regret having sex with an arse who never respected me?” Louis asks, incredulous.

 

“Hummm, I meant the video… filming… thing, but sure. That,” Nick bites his lower lip and tighten his hold on Louis. He thinks he might have, probably, possibly, offended him.

 

Louis shrugs. “It is what it is, no point in dwelling on it, right?” He says it angrily and for sure he’s going to obsess over it. He’ll never admit it, Louis is too proud for that, but he’ll think about it over and over again, hating himself for it.

 

“It’s not your fault, you were just a kid.” Nick starts saying.

 

“I was eighteen!” Louis protests angrily and there it is.

 

“Practically an infant!” Nick sure made some pretty terrible decisions when he was eighteen years old. He wouldn’t want any newspaper to get a hold of them. “And it doesn’t make you a bad person, at all. No matter what people say, okay?”

 

Louis doesn’t say anything, maybe because he can’t agree or because he’s too overwhelmed, Nick doesn’t know. But he’s heard it and that’s what matters. Nick will tell him everyday until he believes it, if he has to. If Louis lets him.

 

“What about your mum?” Nick asks, trying to change the subject and hoping he’s chosen a happier one. Her texts seemed supportive, hopefully so was her phone call.

 

“She’s not mad,” Louis sounds so tired as he says it, like talking about it is just too much. “I think she’s bit disappointed about the whole… video thing. She did say that next time she runs into him at Tesco she’s gonna kill him on sight for leaking it so there’s that,” he adds with a chuckle.

 

Nick giggles a little at the thought. “She sounds amazing,” he says, trying to keep the awe in his tone to a minimum.

 

“Yeah,” Louis nods. “You’d like her.”

 

They certainly have a few interests in common that’s for sure. Nick actually takes a few seconds to wonder if she’d let him help with the whole _murdering the man who betrayed Louis and make it hurt a lot_ operation. He’s so lost in his assassination fantasy that it takes him a while to notice Louis has started crying.

 

“I know I said everything went great and it did, but…” Louis lets a few tears fall down, rubbing at them furiously as they keep on falling. “It still feel like I’ve been split open and the entire world is taking a look,” he sobs.

 

Nick grabs him tightly and brings him closer. “I know sweetheart. I know,” he says with a small kiss to Louis’ forehead.

 

“It’s gonna follow me forever.”

 

“No, of course not. Look at Kim K!” Nick tries to sound positive. “She turned it all around. Paris Hilton.”

 

Louis laughs weakly through the tears and shakes his head at Nick. “That’s not as comforting as you think it is Nicholas.”

 

“Well, you knew what you were getting into when you called me. I’m not very good at comforting people, so Kim K and Paris is what you’re getting, deal with it.”

 

Louis rolls his eyes like he’s exasperated, but he’s not crying as much so Nick sees it as a win. “You’ll do, you’ll do,” Louis sniffs.

 

“That’s a relief,” Nick whispers as he keeps on petting Louis’ back soothingly.

 

“I’m exhausted,” Louis admits shakily. “Mum wants me to come home for a bit.”

 

“Can’t say I don’t understand her,” Nick admits. If he were her, he’d never let Louis out of his sight. Ever again. Tours and popstar-ing be damned.

 

“We have a couple of days off after tomorrow,” Louis continues. “’Till the eleventh. It’d make sense to go but…”

 

Nick can sense the hesitation running through Louis’ body as he tenses up just talking about it.

 

“You don’t want to?” He asks, putting a hand through Louis’ hair. It’s a well-known secret that Louis loves to have his hair played with.

 

“It’s so humiliating.”

 

“They’re your family. They’re gonna support you no matter what. That’s what they’re for,” Nick reasons.

 

“My little sisters will see it, if they haven’t already,” Louis sobs. “People in their schools, on the street…. Everybody is going to –” He interrupts himself to take a big shaky breath. “They deal with so much shit because of me and I can’t… I can’t face them. Maybe it’s cowardly or -”

 

“No, Lou. Of course not. Don’t be stupid. It’s not cowardly,” Nick tries to reassure him, mentally picturing the lovely girls Louis has plastered on almost every walls in that big house of his, imagining them being shouted at for something Louis can’t control. It leaves a bad taste in his mouth. “You’re scared they’re going to be angry?” he asks, trying to piece things together.

 

“Wouldn’t you be?” Louis replies. “They literally get harassed because of me. And I lied to them about my sexuality; they’ve been defending me on Twitter and shit… Tell me _you_ wouldn’t be mad, if you were them.”

 

“I don’t know Lou. I think… I think they’re gonna need you, as much as you’re gonna need them,” Nick replies as softly as possible. “I think they’re young and it must really confusing for them. Wouldn’t you rather be the one to have that discussion with them rather than strangers online and their schoolmates armed with quotes from trashy magazines?”

 

“That’s… That actually made a lot sense,” Louis sounds a bit confused by it.

 

“Yes, making sense is a thing that happens to me sometimes,” Nick deadpans.

 

“I’m scared,” Louis admits.

 

“I know, but, the way I see it, you’ll have to face them eventually and you’ll feel much better if you do it now.”

 

“That also makes sense,” Louis says half-heartedly, getting off Nick’s chest to glare at him. “You’re making too much sense, stop it.”

 

Nick smirks, drawing his knees up and wrapping an arm around them. “You’re just annoyed because I don’t blindly agree with you,” he says poking Louis’ belly where his sweater has ridden up.

 

“No,” Louis protests, quickly covering his tanned stomach, repositioning himself so he’s kneeling next to Nick’s thighs.

 

“And now you’re disagreeing with me just for the sake of it.” He always does it. They always do it.

 

“No,” Louis repeats, offended. “I mean,” he amends quickly, eyes widening. “Yes.”

 

“You’re ridiculous, I hope you-” Nick starts saying.

 

“Why did you come?” Louis blurts out, interrupting Nick’s teasing, his eyes fixed on the duvet, refusing to make contact, and Nick is surprised it took him this long before asking. “I mean, I know I asked you to, but I didn’t think you’d… actually do it.”

 

Louis shrugs, like it’s no big deal but Nick can seem him fidgeting, playing with his sweatpants, the way he does only when he’s truly uncomfortable and when did Nick even have the time to learn all of those little parts that make up this delightful boy? How can he remember it all so vividly still when it all felt like a dream?

 

He laughs a little awkwardly in response, unsure how to even tackle this. Plunging through the unknown is scary, he knows. That’s what stopped him before. But not again. Not twice.  He might as well be honest now. He did come all this way.

 

“Well, I came because I’m in love with you,” he finally says like it’s no big deal, like they’ve said it to each other a thousand times, and he smiles, trying to prove to himself that he doesn’t feel completely and utterly terrified. “Obviously,” he adds with a self-deprecating eye roll.

 

Louis doesn’t say anything. He just stares.

 

“Why did you ask me to come?” Nick asks after long, petrifying seconds of silence.

 

He needs to know this at least. He thinks he can survive if Louis can’t say it back today, or even ever, but he needs to understand. He needs to know he’s not imagining the depth of what they had, of what they have.

 

“I didn’t think you would,” Louis whispers. “I don’t know why I asked, I just…. They called me in the middle of the night to warn me, to show me the articles and I …. I didn’t know what to do or what to say. I didn’t want to talk to anyone else. I just wanted you.”

 

“Lou,” Nick starts, trying to reach for him, but Louis moves back, just a little out of reach.

 

“You’ve missed work,” he replies, hiding his twitching hands in his sleeves. He looks small and it makes Nick’s heart twist painfully in his chest.

 

“It doesn’t matter babe,” Nick replies because he can’t even imagine it. He can’t even fathom being in London, thousands of miles away, while Louis has to face the biggest storm of his life. “I couldn’t-” His throat feels constricted, like he’s being strangled slowly, his body not allowing him to divulge his feelings anymore. “I just had to see you Lou. The moment I heard. I had to make sure you were okay.”

 

“It’s not okay, not really.” Louis whispers.

 

“I know,” Nick sighs sadly.

 

“I missed you,” Louis admits. “I missed you so much, it was like being split open and I used to listen to the show, you know? All the time. And it made it so much worse, to hear you but knowing I couldn’t call to talk to you, knowing you were out and about doing stuff without me or without sharing with me… And, and Harry would mention you or call you while I was there sometimes, and I was so jealous Nick. I’d get so mad, so upset and I know it’s irrational and stupid ‘cause it’s _just_ Harry but I was so angry that he could do that. Just… Just call you, if he wanted.”

 

“You could have called me Lou,” Nick says, voice cracking on the nickname. He feels so lightheaded. “Anytime.”

 

“No. I couldn’t. I wanted to, so bad. So many times, but I couldn’t. I just… I’d pick up the phone and tell myself, you can do it Louis. Just call and say you miss him and you think breaking up was a mistake… I’ve told meself that every day since I left but then I just couldn’t. I’d tell meself that I was being stupid and that there wasn’t anything to break up anyway.”

 

“Louis-”

 

“It was so big, you know? A real relationship. With a man. I’ve never - ” Louis hesitates for a few seconds. “Remember that first date? At your place? You asked me if that was the worst date I’d ever had? Truth is I hadn’t before. I’d never really had a date before, not with the type of person I was interested in anyway,” Louis admits, the _a man_ hanging silently between them. “And it was scary. Terrifying. I always…. I always had a crush on you, even before we met.”

 

“Me too,” Nick admits because he can’t not say it. Not when Louis is being so open.

 

“You did?” Louis asks, surprised.

 

“Yeah… On the X-Factor,” Nick adds, feeling himself blush a little. He’s not particularly proud of the _whole big fat embarrassing crush on one of the teenager on a reality show_ thing after all.

 

Louis smiles softly, looking pleased. He’s not as shaky anymore. “I love you too. I’m sorry I made such a big mess. I loved you the whole time. I… I wanted it, the whole thing… Skyping everyday when I’m gone and buying you gifts from every place I’ve been to and sending you cheesy postcards in the mail and ….” Louis sniffs a little. “Coming home to you when I get back.”

 

“Louis - “ Nick starts, feeling choked up.

 

“Shut up. Please. Please just… Let me say this, okay? Cause’ I don’t think I can finish if you keep interrupting me and I really really want to say this.”

 

Nick just nods; he’s feeling everything at once, like he’s heart is going to burst from feeling too many things. There’s no way such a small organ can hold everything that’s inside of him at the moment. That just doesn’t seem possible at all.

 

“I wanted it, but… You’re always having fun, you never have real relationships and it was always so low key, you and me, you know? And maybe that’s my fault, I know I wasn’t really forward, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that it scared me. It scared me how much I wanted it partly because I wasn’t sure you wanted it too but mostly because I was scared I’d have to be out for our relationship to work. I thought we wouldn’t be able to do it if  we didn’t tell at least the boys and your friends… I thought you’d want me to tell people and I couldn’t…. Not then. I let it get to me and in- infect my brain or something. Instead of telling you, I shut you out, I assumed it was over before it began, and I ruined everything,” Louis starts crying as soon as the _everything_ is out of his mouth but he powers through it. “And I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry. I should have told you.”

 

“I wouldn’t have made you come out Louis. I wouldn’t ever do that,” Nick says, trying to sound reassuring. “I’d have liked to tell my friends and family maybe… the important people, but… I wouldn’t have made you do things you weren’t comfortable with. I love you, I’d have waited.”

 

“I know,” Louis says with a sob. “I felt so stupid and embarrassed, and the more I waited to call, the less I felt like I could do it… I’m sorry, Nick. I’m sorry I ruined everything.”

“Sweetheart, you didn’t ruin everything, okay? And I’m sorry too.” Nick says, passing a hand through Louis’ hair, dragging him into a hug, relieved Louis’ not running away from him anymore.

 

Louis hums through the tears. “I’m sorry I’m crying too. I can’t stop,” he adds and it makes Nick laugh a little which it turns makes Louis laugh and suddenly they’re both crying and laughing at the same time like a pair of idiots.

 

“Don’t apologise for that, come on,” Nick finally says. “It hurt, being without you. I won’t lie. And it hurt when we were together too, having this big secret I couldn’t tell anyone. But I get it, okay. You weren’t alone in this. I never said anything either to make you feel like this was more than just a hook up.  I never even asked for what I wanted… So please stop apologising darling.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

Nick laughs wetly. “Always got to have the last word, don’t you.”

  
“Yes,” Louis mumbles. “Is it bad to say I’m almost grateful that this shitstorm happened because it gave me the kick in the bum I needed to finally talk to you?”

 

“I don’t know,” Nick admits. “It’s a bit sad if that’s true though.”

 

“That’s me. Louis the sad homosexual who needs sex tapes to talk to the people he loves.”

 

“Shut up,” Nick says before reaching to kiss him.

 

It’s the first time they’ve kissed in months. They’re both crying and gross. It’s not particularly romantic or grand, but it’s Louis and it’s a promise that eventually, maybe not now or soon, but eventually, they’ll be okay so Nick cherishes every second of it.

 

“I love you,” Nick says against Louis’ mouth. “And we’re gonna be okay. It’s gonna be shit for a bit. But it’s gonna be okay.”

 

Louis presses a small kiss on Nick’s chin and hum. “Like the cheesy ads, right? It gets better.”

 

“Yep. With less kitsch hopefully.”

 

“You’re the kitschiest person I know that’d be hard.”

 

“I’m actually offended, you know Harry Styles and I’m the kitschiest person you know? Have you seen his shirts?”

 

“You two frequently share clothes, I don’t see how that’s an argument?” Louis asks, completely serious, like he’s questioning Nick’s sanity and reasoning both at the same time.

 

“I love you so much. I hope you realize that,” Nick replies. He knows he’s probably wearing the most smitten, fond look his face is capable of producing and that Louis will probably give him shit for it for the next decade, but he doesn’t care.

 

Louis doesn’t mock him, surprisingly. He giggles softly and it’s the first time Nick’s seen him truly happy since he’s arrived in America. He knows it will be short lived, but still. It feels like progress. One small step at the time.

 

_ Then _

 

Louis doesn’t text. He doesn’t call. He mostly seems delighted and excited at the prospect of taking his new songs to new and bigger audiences around the world. If the pictures and videos Nick has been looking at are to be trusted at least.

 

Nick tries very hard to limit is online stalking a bit, if only for the sake of his sanity, but it’s hard when he misses Louis so much and he’s so well documented. So what if his nightly routine now includes a small trip to Louis’ tag on Tumblr? It’s not hurting anybody. Well, of course the argument could be made that its hurting Nick, but he’s chosen to allow himself certain self-destructive behaviours. It’s only for a little while, to give him the time to properly grieve. He’s indulging himself in weeks of self-pity, he knows, but still, alcohol, gross food, boys he has no feelings for and obviously his daily intake of Louis’ virtual image are the things that are going to get him through this. So he indulges himself constantly.

 

His friends look at him funny sometimes, but it’s like they know, somehow, that this is something that they shouldn’t ask about. Nick isn’t sure how that makes him feel, doesn’t know if he even really want to figure it out. On one hand, he knows that if he gets asked about his slow downward spiral, he’ll tell everything. And it would probably feel pretty fucking good. On the other hand though, them not asking means that he doesn’t have to consider betraying Louis’ trust and no matter how sad he feels, betraying Louis is not something he ever wants to do. So in a way, they’re saving him one hell of a dilemma. Still, some days he feels like a pot full of boiling water on the verge of spilling out. Those scare him the most… When he gets so tempted, so upset, that he feels like screaming his feelings to the entire nation in the middle of the show so much that he has to pinch his thighs to hold it back in. Nick never gives in to the urges though. He never gives in because he didn’t say anything when he really should have, when Louis was still there, saying good-bye to him. He didn’t say shit to him about how much he wanted him, wanted them, and there’s no way in hell he’s going to say something now. If his feelings ever spill out it’ll be to Louis at least. He’s just not there yet. It eats him away and drives him crazy that he’s not there yet, but he just isn’t so he shuts the fuck up. And he only allows himself to show that he’s sad when he scrolls down pages and pages of pixel Louis, with the comforting presence of Pig’s body against his thigh to make him feel better.

 

_ Now _

 

When Nick wakes up the next morning, it takes him a few moments to remember why the heaviness in his chest has lessened. He’s meant to feel like shit, he’s pretty sure of it. It’s the only thought circling his mind for a few long minutes as he tries in vain to conjure up the feeling again. Louis was outed. Everything is shit, why is he feeling like he’s won the lottery? That makes no sense.

 

It all comes back to him in a flash when the bedroom’s door opens and a dishevelled Louis appears, carrying two mugs.

 

“You’re awake,” Louis says with a small shy smile.

 

Right. He loves Louis. Louis loves him. Of course. That’s what happened.

 

“Yeah,” he replies, voice a bit groggy.

 

Louis drops the mugs on the nightstand on Nick’s side, spilling a bit of liquid on it. “Got you coffee,” he says, pressing a soft kiss on Nick’s cheek and joining him in bed.

 

“Thanks,” Nick mumbles quickly grabbing his mug and taking a gulp.

 

“So, haven’t changed your mind yet?” Louis asks casually as he settles against Nick.

 

“Well, actually. I was gonna tell you… I did some soul searching in the past ten hours I’ve spent asleep and yes I have,” Nick teases.

 

“Shut up,” Louis laughs into Nick’s shoulder, biting it playfully.

 

“It’s the snoring,” Nick continues seriously, burying the hand not holding his mug into Louis’ hair and starting to scratch. “It’s subtracts love with every noisy breath.”

 

“I do NOT snore, take that back Grimshaw!” Louis gasps, elbowing Nick in the chest roughly.

 

“Ow! Or maybe it’s the domestic violence we’ll never know!” Nick complains, a bit short of breath, as he puts his coffee safely away.

 

“Domestic violence is a serious issue stop making fun of it,” Louis says. “And stop saying I snore,” he adds as he finishes to climb Nick’s body, dumping himself on top of his chest, grabbing Nick’s shoulders.

 

“Fine, fine, you don’t snore. You snuffle a little.”

 

“What the fuck?”

 

“Yeah, you know, cute version of snoring,” Nick explains calmly, fully knowing being called cute is going to irritate Louis a lot more than the snoring comment.

 

“I am _not_ cute,” Louis protests right on time. His hair is all over the place, his tee riding up a little, and showing a hint of tanned belly; he is most definitely Nick’s definition of cute.

 

“No,” Nick agrees good-naturedly, delighted to see Louis hasn’t changed. “You’re very manly,” he adds with a soft smile, caressing Louis’ stubble with two fingers, before letting his hand rest against Louis’ muscular thigh.

 

“Ughh,” Louis groans, sleepy-eyed and frustrated but still smiling. “It’s so...” He groans again. “I missed you,” he adds sheepishly.

 

He’s grinning, looking a bit embarrassed. Nick never wants to take his hands off of him.

 

“So you’ve said,” he laughs.

 

“I missed your stupid body, how ridiculous is that?”

 

“Oi, why’s my body stupid?” Nick pouts as attractively as possible as he says it.

 

“You’re like a giant freckled monster, I don’t know why I was so torn up about it,” Louis says, almost to himself.

 

“I am not a giant,” Nick gasps. He kind of is, at least compared to Louis, but that’s hardly his fault. “You’re the one who’s tiny.”

 

“I’m perfectly normal sized. I am an average human male, you’re the one who never ends,” Louis teases, tangling their fingers together and stretching Nick’s arms out on the bed to prove his point.

 

“You’re just being complainy because you missed me everyday and you’re embarrassed about it,” Nick argues, reaching up to peck Louis’ lips, arms still frozen under Louis’s weight.

 

“I did miss you. Every part of your giant freckled body,” Louis replies with a soft voice before kissing Nick fully, sucking on his tongue, making tiny moans as he does so.

 

“What did you miss the most?” Nick teases between to kisses.

 

Louis reddens automatically at the question, which only makes Nick even more curious. It takes him at least four minutes of pleading before he gets an answer.

 

“Your voice,” Louis finally replies, a touch timid.

 

“That doesn’t count though, you heard it on the radio all the time, you said so.”

 

“Yeah well you didn’t talk dirty on the radio so,” Louis says matter-of-factly.

 

He does have a point, but…

“Nice try,” Nick says, freeing himself from Louis’ hold to rub his thumb against his left temple. “But it doesn’t count.” He might be fishing for compliments, sue him. They didn’t get to do any of this before; he’s going to take advantage for sure.

 

“Your fingers then,” Louis whispers, kissing the pad of one.

 

“Yeah?” Nick replies, starting to feel slightly out of breath from all the graphic images that the thought of his fingers inside Louis conjure up.

 

“I…” Louis hesitates a bit before shrugging. “Your eyes too.”

 

“My eyes?” Nick says, letting out a small awkward laugh. He knows he looks good, vain as he is, but no one’s ever moaned about missing his eyes before.

 

“They’re very… kind,” Louis says with a dismissive shrug.

 

“What?” Nick asks and he can feel how big his smile is but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t have any feelings left to hide anymore.

 

“Don’t go on about it,” Louis replies defensively.

 

“That’s a bit soppy,” Nick adds with delight. He’s always known, always sensed, that Louis is a big cheesy romantic underneath his prickly exterior but to have it confirmed feels better than he could have imagined. He can’t help but think about the thousands of opportunity for teasing that this will bring. _Kind eyes,_ he thinks with a small chuckle.

 

Louis looks really offended by it though. “I said don’t go on about it!” he insists. He gets a bit squirmy, like maybe he wants to leave, but Nick holds tighter onto his thigh, hoping he’ll stay despite the embarrassment.

 

“Did you miss gazing into them for hours while we made sweet love under the moonlight?”

 

“Oh my god, Nicholas, shut up!” Louis says firmly, slapping his hand on Nick’s mouth. “Hush!”

 

Nick giggles against the palm of Louis’ hand, happy, lighthearted.

 

“You’re still making fun of me,” Louis accuses with the most adorable frown on his face.

 

“Can you tell because of my beautiful eyes? The one you’ve been missing everyday?” Nick replies, still giggling, voice muffled by both of Louis’ hands that are now trying to silence him.

 

“I’m never complimenting you again,” Louis declares firmly. He kisses Nick’s nose before whispering: “Never ever ever.”

 

He lets go of Nick’s mouth to kiss him and Nick has to admit that this is a much better, much more pleasurable way of being forced to shut up. He does want to keep teasing Louis mercilessly but he can accept the little interlude. It’s not that much of hardship.

 

“If you think,” Nick starts saying when they come up for air. “I’m gonna-” he stops himself to peck corner of Louis’ mouth, whispering into his skin. “ -stop giving you shit for that eyes thing because you’re making out with me, you’re so wrong Tomlinson.”

 

“Worth a try,” Louis replies with a shrug, gripping through Nick’s hair.

 

“It’s not gonna work,” Nick says firmly after five minutes of thorough snogging. He’s pretty sure he’s going to end up bald before their six months anniversary if Louis keeps on grabbing his quiff with so much enthusiasm. Not that he’s complaining.

 

“I disagree,” Louis says with a loud smack against Nick’s forehead. “I think it’s going to work fabulously,” he continues grabbing the duvet and passing it over their heads, trapping them underneath the suffocating covers.

 

“What the hell are you doing now?” Nick asks with a smile, eyes adjusting to the darkness the blankets supply.

 

“Hiding,” Louis replies like it’s obvious, snuggling down into Nick’s neck. “This is nice.”

 

“It is nice,” Nick agrees carefully, petting down Louis’ back. “It’s very nice.”

 

“We should stay here forever,” Louis whispers. He sounds weird, sad. Nick suspects he’s started thinking again.

 

“I’m not one to complain about spending an awful lot of time underneath the covers with you, but I’m pretty sure you have some fans who paid lots of money to see you in the next few weeks who would be in disagreement with that plan.”

 

Louis sighs and shrugs, trying to pass as indifferent and obviously failing. Nick waits a few seconds, hoping he’ll elaborate, hoping he’ll share what made him go a bit moody and sad, but he doesn’t say anything. Truth be told, he doesn’t really have to.

 

“Not to mention that there’s no way the whole of Britain could ever wake up without me babbling on the radio,” Nick continues, knowing fully well that this is about more than just wanting to spend some fun times in bed together. “And I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be responsible for our entire nation’s downfall.”

 

Louis half-smiles into Nick’s neck and shakes his head at him, tickling him with his stubble. “Your self-importance has reached uncontrollable levels.”

 

“Fair enough,” Nick agrees. He waits a few seconds. “What’s this about love?”

 

“I forgot the world exists for a while,” Louis starts. He sighs loudly; like that sentence weighted a thousand pound on his shoulder and he’s still not sure he’s glad he got rid of it.

 

 Nick hums encouragingly.

 

 “It was good. I just want to keep that for a bit,” Louis continues.

 

“Yeah, I get that. But also, and I think you’re gonna agree with me on this one, fuck the rest of the world, you know?” Nick replies, hoping it’ll give Louis a bit of a boost.

 

It doesn’t but it does makes Louis rolls his eyes and his lips twitch with fondness.

 

“Easier said than done,” he says with a sigh. “I’m…”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“It’s been okay so far, right? Almost good, but I’m still scared,” Louis admits angrily. “Like, literally the worst thing I ever thought could happened to me happened. It’s done. They outed me. And I’m still scared. It fucking sucks.”

 

“Well, if that’s the worst thing you thought could happen that means you’re living your worst nightmare, I’d say being scared makes sense,” Nick replies without thinking. It’s only when it’s out of his mouth that he realizes how not comforting of a statement that is. “Sorry,” he whispers afterwards.

 

“It’s true though,” Louis says. “Very rational approach Grimshaw,” he jokes but it falls flat. “I just feel stupid, like… It’s done now. I can’t go back anymore, the least I could try to do is be brave about it and I can’t even do that. I just want… I just want to hide here with you. Or at home. Like a coward.”

 

“You’re not a coward,” Nick says firmly, wishing they weren’t hiding and that he could see Louis’ face. He’d take the covers off but he has a feeling the darkness helps, like maybe it won’t count if Louis doesn’t say in the light of day.

 

“Arguable.”

 

“No,” Nick protests angrily. “Really really not. You put yourself out there. Constantly. That’s terrifying but you do it anyway. There’s nothing wrong with not sharing something that’s private. Yesterday you went up there and did the show even though everybody was being trash and talking shit about you, that’s amazing. So shut up about all that coward rubbish, I’m sick of it. You went on X-Factor too, that’s scary as fuck!”

 

Louis gulps loudly. “Wow,” he says slowly, his hands tightening where he’s holding Nick’s hips. “Okay.” He pauses for a second. “That’s the angriest I’ve ever seen you I think…”

 

Nick likes to think he has good character and that he’s as amiable as possible at all times. There are only a couple of things that really gets him going.

 

“Nobody puts the people I love down,” Nick admits fiercely.

 

“Thanks, I think?”

 

“Wait,” Nick interrupts. “Does all that bullshit about wanting to hide and being a coward means you’re not going to your mum’s? ‘Cause I know it’s zero percent my business but I really think you should go.”

 

“What?” Louis asks with confusion. “No. I am.”

 

“You’re going?” Nick asks, joy and wonder in his voice.

 

“Yeah,” Louis says to Nick’s relief. “I arranged a flight for after the show tonight. I had Alberto book you a ticket for this afternoon too. Sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, but I figured you’d probably want to leave today anyway? So you can rest before the show on Monday?” he offers with a hint of hesitation.

 

“Yeah, that… Yeah that makes sense,” Nick says awkwardly. It’s logical of course. And he’s glad Louis made the decision to go home in the end. It’ll do him good to have a rest surrounded by his family for a bit. He just… He just isn’t ready to let him go so soon after getting him back. Especially when he’s still in that headspace. The thought of leaving him while he’s mentally beating himself up makes him uncomfortable.

 

“Sorry, I should have –”

 

“Lou,” Nick interrupts. “It’s fine. It’s very considerate actually. I’m just gonna miss you,” he says in Louis’ ear, kissing him just above it. He’s worried too, but he doesn’t want Louis to feel bad so he doesn’t say it. “But the tour is almost over. I suppose I’ll survive,” he adds dramatically, hoping the joke makes Louis feel better, if only a little. The last thing he wants is to be a source of stress for Louis. There’s definitely enough stress in his life right now as it is without Nick adding to the pile.

 

“Actually, about that… I was thinking, maybe you could spend next weekend with us?” Louis asks hesitantly. “Or I could come to London?” he adds without pausing to breathe, or let Nick answer.

 

“Oh,” Nick says, surprised and touched. No one’s ever invited him to meet the parents before.

 

“It’s okay if you think it’s too soon, I know it probably is. I mean, I came out to them literally yesterday, but I thought… Never mind, I’ll come to London, right? I mean, if you want?” Louis babbles quickly, barely audible, hidden into Nick’s skin.

 

“What were you thinking?” Nick asks, curious and a bit excited despite himself.

 

“I know, it’s stupid,” Louis laughs a bit too loudly.

 

“No silly,” Nick says with an eye roll. “ I meant… You said _but I thought_ …. I was just wondering what it was you thought.”

 

“Oh,” Louis says, understanding colouring his face. “Right. It’s stupid,” he repeats.

 

“So?” Nick insists because he wants them to share stupid thoughts with each other, even the most embarrassing ones.

 

“I just figured it might be easier for them? If they see that I’m… you know.”

 

Nick doesn’t, actually. He’s quite intrigued though because Louis says it both like it’s evident, but also like it’s extremely excruciating and the mere thought of explaining himself is his own personal nightmare. Nick wants him to explain himself very much but he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even hum to encourage Louis. Nick knows he won’t be able not to say it now and he almost laughs when he hears him sighs loudly at having to elaborate.

 

“I figured it’d be easier for them if they see that I’m with someone…. That I’m happy with someone,” Louis ends up saying on a soft exhale. “As I said, it’s stupid,” he amends straight away.

 

It’s probably the least stupid thing Nick has ever heard in his life but he waits a few seconds before saying so, takes his time ruffling through Louis’ hair and kissing his forehead once before even thinking about opening his mouth.

 

“I don’t think it’s stupid at all Louis. It’s…” Nick hesitates, unsure how to explain everything that it makes him feel for Louis to feel that way, for Louis to claim he’s happy with him. “It’s good, yeah? And of course I’d go in an instant if that’s what you want. I think we’ve already established that,” Nick says with a laugh.

 

“Yeah,” Louis chuckles, trying to hide his face in Nick’s armpit. “Thanks again for, you know.”

 

“Being an crazy person who travels thousands of miles when an ex hook-up asks?” Nick offers self-deprecatingly.

 

“Yes. That.”

 

“You’re welcome. And if you want me to go and they want me to come, then ‘course. Of course, I will. It’ll be fun! Secret weekend up north and all.”

 

“And if they don’t want?” Louis asks suddenly sounding defeated.

 

“Then, I’ll meet them when everyone’s ready and you can come to the flat instead, give Pig a cuddle, maybe cook for me…”

 

“Okay,” Louis agrees quickly.

 

“Not gonna lie, I thought it’d be harder to convince you on that one,” Nick admits, almost secretly hoping that Louis’ family won’t want to meet him straight away so that he can finally get Louis to cook for him. Almost.

 

“It’s the cuddle with Pig that sold it,” Louis jokes. “I missed her more than I missed you.”

 

“That,” Nick starts with a startled laugh. “That does not surprise me at all.”

 

“What can I say, she’s my best pal.” Louis squirms a little as he says. “Okay, this is lovely, but I think I’m gonna suffocate and this was actually the worst plan ever. Those covers might actually kill us,” Louis whines dramatically as he tries to fight them off.

 

Nick laughs as he watches him struggle through the blanket before finally succeeding in freeing them from their soft prison. Louis takes a huge gulp of fresh air.

 

“Finally,” he says as there’s an awkward cough coming from the doorway.

 

Louis turns around towards the noise, still firmly seated on Nick’s thighs, but the new angle of his body gives Nick a clear view of an extremely confused Liam Payne.

 

“What are you guys doing?” he asks in a high hesitant voice.

 

Louis turns to look at Nick again, opens his mouth to say something, closes it and turns back to stare at Liam. “We’ve emerged from a cocoon as the beautiful butterflies that you see in front of you,” he says and Nick assumes, knowing Louis, that he managed to do so with a straight face.

 

Liam, poor darling, looks even more confused, frowning to himself, head turning as he tries to work through Louis’ statement.

 

“What are they doing?” Zayn’s voice asks from the living room.

 

“I don’t know,” Liam shrugs, staring at them. “But I think it’s a sex thing,” he adds looking like he doesn’t know if he’s happy for them and really troubled for himself.

 

“Well, tell them to finish quickly, we got food,” Niall adds from somewhere in the suite, probably the kitchen, Nick thinks.

 

Liam shudders. “Gross,” he mutters to himself. “Finish quickly please,” he tells them, eyes now firmly fixed to the floor. “Niall got food,” he adds as he fumbles for the door and quickly exists the room.

 

There’s a second of silence before Louis falls onto Nick’s chest and starts cackling loudly.

 

“Stop making fun of Liam and come eat!!!” Harry yells as firmly as he can, which doesn’t mean much and that’s what breaks Nick and makes him join Louis in his hilarity.

 

“Is privacy not a thing in your band?” Nick asks when he’s finally done catching his breath.

 

“Nope,” he hears Zayn replies through the wall.

 

Nick supposes he’ll have to get used to it.

 

 

*

 

They’re in the middle of lunch when Nick’s mobile start to ring. He grins sheepishly and goes to turn it off when he notices the caller ID.

 

“Shit,” he says. “I forgot to call her back.”

 

Louis frowns at him, a silent question on his lips that Nick interrupts by bringing his finger to his mouth.

 

“Hey babe!” He says a bit too happily into the phone as he leaves the table. He can see Harry shrug at Louis from the corner of his eyes but chooses to ignore them, mouthing a big “sorry” towards Louis.

 

“Don’t babe me,” Daisy says.

__

“Right, sorry I didn’t call you back. We were…” Nick smiles to himself, distracted by the thoughts of why exactly he couldn’t call Daisy back straight away. “Busy,” he ends up saying after a few seconds.

 

She sighs, disgusted. “I don’t need to know that,” she protests. “And I can’t believe you’d hook up with him with everything that’s happening, he’s vulnerable and you-”

 

“We weren’t _busy busy,”_ Nick interrupts, feeling slightly offended at the implication. “Not that it’s any of your business or that I’d need your permission, but we were just busy. Normal busy, no penises involved busy.”

 

“You couldn’t have told me that earlier,” Liam protests in the background, twisting Louis’ nipples.

 

“Nope,” Louis yelps, trying to protect himself.

 

“Is that One Direction in the background?’ Daisy asks, ignoring Nick’s answer.

 

“Obviously,” he replies, rolling his eyes at Zayn.

 

He gets a small smirk in response. He does like Zayn quite a lot. He’s the sane one it appears.

 

“Say hi to Harry for me, will you? He’s such a good friend,” Daisy says sweetly, emphasizing the good.

 

Oh, Nick thinks. That’s how it is.

 

“I said I’m sorry,” he repeats.

 

She hums and Nick really doesn’t know how she manages to sound so doubtful with so little words. “When are you coming back?” she ends up asking and Nick feels instantly relieved that she dropped the subject. This is something that needs to be shared in person.

 

“My plane is in a few hours, so early tomorrow morning? I’d have to check,” Nick says. He doesn’t even know the time of his plane; he really needs to ask Louis.

 

“Want me to pick you up?” Daisy offers and she really is an actual angel when she’s not being intrusive.

 

“You don’t mind?” Nick exhales and he can feel the boys’ staring at him. He’s starting to regret not leaving the room. What was he even thinking?

 

“No,” she laughs. “We can pick Pig up and you can tell us everything,” she adds and of course, she’d have an ulterior motive.

 

It’s okay now though. Nick is ready to share.

 

“Yeah, we can do that,” he agrees easily. “Listen, I have to finish eating, but I can text you my flight details later okay?”

 

“Good,” she says softly. “I can’t wait to see you.”

 

“Yeah,” Nick replies with a gulp. “See you soon.”

 

He closes his phone and gets back to his chair, squeezing himself between Louis and Niall.

 

“Sorry about that lads,” Nick apologizes before taking a bite of his now cold pizza. “It was Daisy. Lowe. Friend of mine, she says hi,” he adds towards Harry.

 

They eat in silence for a bit until all the boys start being restless, giving each other little looks that they must think are subtle.

 

“So,” Liam finally says, breaking the silence. “No penises?” he asks with a mixture of confusion and inquiry on his face.

 

Nick can feel himself redden and he doesn’t have to look at Louis to know he’s doing the same, can already feel him tense at the comment.

 

“Liam,” Zayn reprimands with a laugh.

 

“What? We’re all curious.”

 

“Bit awkward to ask at the table, no?” Niall says, looking directly at Nick who can’t do anything but shrug helplessly, filled with the mortifying knowledge he’s probably gone red all over.

 

“No,” Liam disagrees, looking at them like they’ve betrayed him grandly by protesting. “We’re curious, Louis,” he insists with a weirdly intense stare.

 

“Obviously,” Louis mutters before sighing forcefully. “Well,” he says loudly. “Since the no meddling rule is obviously out, I’ll put you out of your misery. No, there were no penile actions last night and this morning.”

 

They’re all snickering like schoolboys. Nick’s boyfriend and his friends are twelve years old. It’s been proven and everything.

 

“That being said,” Louis continues solemnly. “We are officially back together.”

 

Nick can see Harry smile at him from the other side of the table and he can’t help but hide in his plate a little, but not before smiling shyly back at him.

 

“Boyfriends then?” Nick hears him asks and Louis coughs loudly.

 

“Well, yeah,” Louis laughs a little and Nick reaches under the table to tangle their fingers.

 

The table erupts into cheers, the boys whistling loudly, reaching out at the same time, all petting different parts of Louis. Nick startles when he feels Niall’s arms around him, gripping his neck and smiling in his face.

 

“Congrats mate, that’s great,” Niall tells him sincerely. “’Course if you hurt him we’ll kill you but congrats. What great news.”

 

“We all suspected it would happen,” Liam confesses while Zayn shakes his head fondly at him. “What with the way you rushed across an ocean,” Liam continues, oblivious to the fond look Louis is now giving him too.

 

They really are annoyingly endearing.

 

“Well, yes,” Nick admits. “That might have given my feelings away a bit, didn’t it?’ he turns to ask Louis

 

He’s engulfed in his bandmates, not one of them without a hand or a foot pressed against him. Nick wonders for a second how he manages to breathe what with the way they’re all tangled together. Louis looks happy though, really happy. He’s smiling widely, his cheeks dimpling a little and his eyes made tiny by joy, crinkling in Nick’s favourite way.

 

“Maybe a little,” Louis teases. “I’m glad though.”

 

“Yeah,” Nick agrees. “Me too.”

 

 

 

_ Then _

 

Radio One’s Big Weekend, or as Nick likes to call it _a thousand ways to avoid being in the same space a Louis Tomlinson,_ goes by both incredibly fast and incredibly slow. There are so many people to talk to, some many bands to introduce and drinks to consume that Nick figures his ultimate goal will be easily achievable. Not to mention the boys of One Direction are supposed to be in Glasgow only long enough to perform before flying back to their own big _worldwide_ tour. Not that Nick knows anything about that. He’s stopped his online stalking weeks ago and is truly very much healed. The only reason he doesn’t want to run into Louis is because he wouldn’t know how to pretend they don’t know each other as well as they do, and the awkwardness of doing so seems extremely painful and unnecessary to him.

 

Maybe sometimes, at night, Nick gets a little sad and misses a small body to cuddle even after all this time, it’s true, but it doesn’t happen every night and Nick likes to think he’s got it mostly under control. The fact that he’s terrified of seeing Louis because he thinks it’s probably going to feel like a punch to the gut and all of the hard work and effort he’s put into trying not to still be in love with him will be in vain the moment they’re in close proximity of each other, is something that Nick refuses to admit even to himself.

 

By the time Saturday arrives Nick isn’t so sure he’ll be lucky enough not to see the boys. Harry has already texted him a couple of times, excited exclamations about the show and the fact that they’ll see each other again soon. There’s no going around it and Nick tries to mentally brace himself all morning without success. Afternoon creeps up on him and suddenly; Aimee is dragging him, excitedly pointing towards Harry and most of his band.

 

Well, fuck, Nick thinks as he shakes his head, trying to get rid of his inner angst. He can do this. He’s not sad. He does not miss Louis anymore. Or barely.

 

“Harry!” Aimee yells as she wraps him up in a big hug. Harry giggles in response, tightening his long limbs around her smaller frame.

 

“Hey Aims,” he slurs, throwing a smile at Nick over her shoulder.

 

Louis doesn’t seem to be around, thankfully.

 

“Hey babe,” Aimee replies, happily holding on to him. “How are you?”

 

Harry laughs a bit. “Good, good. Tour’s amazing.”

 

He lets her go and zone in on Nick, hugging him quickly. “Hey Grimmy!”

 

“Hey popstar,” Nick says hoping he’s the only one who can hear the hesitation in his voice.

 

“How are you guys?” Harry asks in the curve of Nick’s neck.

 

Nick doesn’t answer, wouldn’t know how to. There’s no easy way to say, oh by the way your best friend broke my heart and I’ll never feel happiness again. He just can’t so he lets Aimee do most of the talking as they start walking towards the backstage area. Harry and Aimee are laughing loudly, arms locked together as they walk in synch. Nick thinks Liam and Niall are somewhere behind him, following them too. He has no idea where Louis and Zayn are, but as long as it’s not too close, he doesn’t care.

 

“What about you?” Harry asks, slowing his pace to include Nick in the discussion, wrapping his free arm around Nick’s back.

 

“Oh you know, same old, same old,” Nick says with a shrug.

 

“Nick’s been a bit sad,” Aimee whispers to Harry, like she knows anything, like it’s hers to share. The traitor. “I suspect boys trouble,” she adds conspiratorially with a side look towards Nick. The nerves.

 

Harry’s face falls with compassion and Nick quickly interrupts what would probably be a very heartfelt expression of companionship and support. Yes, no thanks, Nick thinks. “Ah,” he says a hint too brightly. “I wish. Having boys trouble would mean I’m getting some,” he mocks and he can see Aimee frowning.

 

“You are though, a lot. Too much,” she protests. “That’s how I know there’s something weird going on,” she adds for Harry with an elbow nudge.

 

“I resent that, very judgmental Aims. There’s no such thing as too much hooking up. I’m an adult having sex with consenting adults, nothing wrong with it and the numbers shouldn’t be anyone’s concern,” Nick defends himself loudly as Harry laughs and Aimee shakes her head at him.

 

Of course that’s when Louis makes an appearance, wide-eyed and frozen in place, a hand reaching out towards a water bottle.

 

He’s obviously heard everything.

 

“Oh,” Nick whispers. “Hi Tomlinson,” he says causally, cheerfully, hoping he’s managing to express the nonchalance of two barely acquaintances randomly meeting.

 

He looks good, hair soft and longer than when they last saw each other, a cute denim jacket hugging his frame and those damned skinny jeans that look painted on. Nick has spent more than one drunken evening cursing those very same skinny jeans while scrolling through rows and rows of pictures. This is good. They can do this. Nick doesn’t feel slightly sick and Louis doesn’t have terror written plainly on his face. Not at all. They are both casual.

 

Louis stares at him for a second, looking miserable and trapped, before mumbling: “Hey” and leaving promptly.

 

“Great,” Nick mumbles. He turns towards Aimee, freeing himself from the awkward walking hug they’d arranged to point an accusatory finger at her. “Now Louis Tomlinson thinks I’m a slut.”

 

Aimee giggles and shrugs helplessly. “Well, he wouldn’t be totally wrong about that if he does, now would he?”

 

Nick closes his eyes and takes a deep breath to calm down. What does it matter anyway, what Louis thinks? They’re not friends. They’re not dating. They’re nothing right now and it probably won’t change in the near future so really he needs to forget about it.

 

“Don’t worry about it, he’s been acting weird for days,” Harry says reassuringly except it’s not reassuring at all, it makes Nick worried and upset, makes him want to find Louis and make it better.

 

“He has?” Nick frowns a little. He’s still casual though, totally, one hundred percent casual.

 

“Yeah, I think the festival is stressing him out. You know, different crowds and all. Not exactly hordes of our fans as usual,” Harry explains with a shrug.

 

It makes sense of course. There’s still a small part of Nick that secretly hopes maybe Louis was torn up about it because of him, that maybe Louis was anxious to see him too, that maybe he’s not as alone in this as he thought. It’s a silly hope though and Nick doesn’t give himself a lot of time to delve on it. It’s pointless and it’s only going to hurt.

 

“Of course,” Aimee agrees. “But it’s gonna go great,” she adds smacking Harry’s cheek loudly, leaving a faint red trace that Lou is probably gonna be irritated about. “I’m gonna go find Ian, but I’ll talk to you later okay!”

 

“See ya!” Nick waves enthusiastically, relieved that she’s gone, but a bit scared at the thought of being alone with Harry.

 

And for good reason because the second she is out of sight, Harry turns towards him with a concern look on his face. “Are you really okay though?” he asks worriedly, big lips pouting attractively.

 

Nick rolls his eyes. “Yes, I am. Have I taught you nothing Styles? You can’t give credit to the nonsense that comes out of this woman’s mouth, she’s insane. For reals.”

 

Harry smirks. “Yeah, well. Still, no boys trouble? You know you can tell me if you’re sad about a boy,” he inquires and will they ever let this go? And how come they’re so perceptive? Nick feels utterly betrayed. He thought he was a good actor for a second there. Way to ruin it.

 

“No, no boys. A tremendous lack of boys. Well, a lot of boys, obviously but no romantic entanglements for me. Single pringle for life, that’s me!” Nick laughs awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck. He’s so alone. He misses Louis so much.

 

Harry doesn’t say anything. He just keeps on frowning at him for a bit before dragging him into a tight comforting hug, squeezing the breath out of him and almost making tears come to his eyes at the silent support.

 

“You’re gonna be okay Grimmy.”

_ Now _

__

By the time Nick has to leave for the airport his motivation level has decreased so significantly that he’s considering nesting into Louis’ suitcase to never leave him behind. It’s sappy and gross and he loathes the mere thought of it, but it’s there, he’s feeling that way. There’s no denying it, no avoiding it. He sighs loudly as he picks up the few things he’s scattered around, mostly toiletries and one tee shirt.

 

“Have everything?” Louis asks softly from the bedroom’s doorway. He doesn’t look pleased either.

 

Nick just nods and walk to the door, putting a hand to the small of Louis’ back, guiding him towards the exit. It doesn’t take them very long to walk across the suite, Louis stopping abruptly before the door, turning around and hugging Nick tightly.

 

“I wish you could come to the show,’ he sighs wistfully into Nick’s chest.

 

Nick drops his bag to hug him back, pressing a kiss to the top of Louis’ head, resting there for a bit. “Yeah,” he agrees. “Me too. But it’s gonna go great, yeah? And then you get to go home.”

 

“I know,” Louis says, trying to burrow further into Nick’s body.

 

This is harder than he expected. Even though he knows they’ll see each other in no time.

 

“Call me after,” Nick commands. “Tell me how it goes.”

 

“I can’t do that, you need to rest for the show,” Louis disagrees sweetly. Nick wouldn’t say he loves to be fussed over, but yes. Yes he does.

 

“Show’s on Monday, I can sleep all day tomorrow. Please call me, at least before you board the plane?”

 

“Okay,” Louis agrees.

 

“Okay,” Nick repeats. “You planning on letting me go to the airport now?” he asks teasingly.

 

“Maybe,” Louis replies, making no move to let Nick go, tightening his hold on him instead.

 

“You do know I need to breathe, right?” Nick asks, trying to joke his way through, trying to hide the fact that he wants to hold on tighter too. “Should have known you’d be a clinger once I got past that though exterior.”

 

“Shut up,” Louis says taking a big sniff of Nick’s clothes. “I’m hugging you.”

 

Nick laughs and ruffles Louis’ hair to annoy him a little. “I noticed. But I might miss my plane if you keep sniffing me like a creep.”

 

“Not sniffing you,” Louis protests before doing it again. “One more minute okay.”

 

Nick can’t really disagree with that. If it were on his terms, it would be ten more minutes of hugging and maybe a blowjob before leaving. Even so, he probably wouldn’t go, would hide in Louis’ pocket for the rest of his tour. Still, responsibilities and real life are calling, to his great despair.

 

“Okay,” Louis says after his minute is up. “Okay,” he repeats as he lets go of Nick, sliding his fingers tenderly on Nick’s arm until he reaches his hand and grab it.

 

“I’ll see you soon,” Nick whispers, uses their tangled hand to bring Louis a bit closer. He can see him smile in anticipation, rising to his tiptoes and meeting Nick halfway for a kiss. 

 

It’s going to be good. They’re going to be good together.

 

 

_ Later On _

 

“So, love of my life, fire of my loins, my little munchkin...”

 

“Nicholas,” Louis says with threatening eyes. Listeners won’t pick up on it, what with the way he sweetens his tone, but Nick knows the ridiculous pet names annoy him to no end. Which is mostly why Nick will never ever stop using them.

 

“Yes, pudding knickers?” Nick says, particularly proudly. He’d been saving that one.

 

Once when Louis was away for promo, Nick called him Thunder Thighs on air and when he woke up hours later, still jet lagged and unsuspicious, it was trending worldwide on twitter and there were about a thousand related edits on Tumblr.  He even got asked about it in all his interviews that afternoon. Louis didn’t speak to Nick for about four days after that, too pissed off to even passive-aggressively text him back. Nick likes to think it was definitely worth it. Especially since it’s still mentioned once in a while, to Louis’ apparent anguish.

 

Ever since they came out as a couple, people have been either been creepily fascinated with their relationship or entirely grossed out. Either way, they want to know everything about it. Nick hates the idea of letting the whole world down, so he takes opportunity after opportunity to remind literally everybody of how disgustingly in love they are. If it annoys Louis in the process, then that’s just a sweet bonus isn’t it?

 

Louis laughs and shakes his head. “Lets just play,” he says decisively.

 

He doesn’t look as nervous as Nick thought he would be. It is his first time on Nick’s show since they came out after all - since he came out too, technically - Nick expected a bit more worrying but Louis just looks playful.

 

“Well, guests first?” Nick offers, with a challenging raise of an eyebrow.

 

“Shouldn’t you lead by example? Bit rude for a guest to do all the work, no?” Louis argues back, flirting.

 

“Coming from the guy who can’t even do his own laundry?”

 

“Oi!” Matt teases from the sideline, eying them suspiciously. “Leave the domestics out of this!”

 

“Fine, fine. I’ll go first!” Nick agrees, getting his phone out of his pocket.

 

“Go on then, start scrolling,” Louis sighs exaggeratedly.

 

Nick obeys, quickly going through his contacts, unsure whom he’s hoping for. Some days he has such good pranks ideas that and there are some people he knows would respond so well to them that he can’t help to cross his fingers to get them. Today isn’t like that at all, but he can’t help but feel a twinge of disappointment when Louis yells “Stop!” and he gets Harry.

 

“Who is it?” Louis asks excitedly. He does love a good prank.

 

“It’s the one and only Harry Styles,” Nick announces, feeling a bit discouraged.

 

Louis cackles loudly. He’s witnessed enough of Nick’s phone calls with Harry to know that he has about zero percent chance of ever pranking him. He’s done it one times too many for Harry to trust anything that comes out of his mouth on the phone.

 

“You should call him,” Nick tries, hoping Louis will fall for it.

 

“No way,” Louis keeps on laughing. “You have to call him or delete him, that’s the rule babe.”

 

“I can’t call him,” Nick whines making sad eyes at his entire team. “He’s never going to believe anything I say. He’ll know it’s for radio for sure!”

 

“That’s why it’s hilarious!”

 

The entire studio laughs, all of them charmed by Louis, as Nick knew that they would be. It’s their first time meeting him as Nick’s boyfriend for a lot them and Nick knows Louis was a bit on edge about it. They’ve been out with the boys and Nick’s friends before, of course, but they’re still figuring this whole being out together thing out.

 

Nick sighs loudly and drops his head in his hand. “So, what do I say then? What’s the prank?”

 

Louis smiles devilishly and Nick is pretty sure he’s made the biggest mistake of his life by asking his opinion. Louis will ask him to do something humiliating, for sure.

 

“You should tell him we’re getting married in secret this weekend,” Louis says it automatically and it makes Nick’s heart skip a beat.

 

They’ve never talked about it, haven’t been together long enough to talk about it, but Nick would be a filthy liar if he said he’s never considered it. Because he has. He definitely, embarrassingly, has.

 

“He… He’s never going to believe that,” Nick argues weakly.

 

“Sell it,” Louis challenges and Nick isn’t one to back down so he presses the call button before Louis’ stopped speaking.

 

“Heyy,” Harry says a bit sleepily.

 

“Hey,” Nick says seriously, trying to get in character. He’s a man delivering important news.

 

“You okay? You sound weird?” Harry asks, automatically concerned the big dork.

 

Louis nods enthusiastically at him from the other side of the studio and Nick knows he’s on to a good start. If only he can manage to keep Harry hooked, he might not notice how weird the call is.

 

“Yeah, I’m good,” Nick replies, clearing his throat. “I’m great,” he adds. “I have something…. Big to tell you.”

 

“How big?” Harry asks and he already sounds suspicious. How is that possible? They’ve only been talking five seconds.

 

“It’s a secret,” Nick warns. “Louis and I are getting married,” he whispers as excitedly as he possibly can’t despite the fact that saying the words out loud makes him nervous and fluttery.

 

“No you’re not,” Harry replies automatically.

 

“We are,” Nick argues. “We’re getting married this weekend. Small, secret, no fuss.”

 

“I’m on the radio,” Harry says and he doesn’t even ask. He just declares it like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

 

“That’s all you have to say?” Nick pretends to be offended. “I just told you I’m getting married, married H! The least you could do is congratulate me.”

 

“You’re not. You’d tell me,” Harry argues with laugh.

 

“I’m telling you now.”

 

“Before, in person. You’d tell me. Louis would tell me. And you’re not getting married don’t be stupid.”

 

“I was hoping you’d buy me a Mrs. Tomlinson tee to wear for the private bachelor party but you’re mean and you’re not invited anymore,” Nick says dramatically, making Louis snort loudly.

 

His eyes widen and he puts his hands on his mouth to muffle his laughter but it’s already too late.

 

“Is Louis there?” Harry asks as soon as he hears laughter and he’s too fucking perceptive. Nick is the least lucky person in the world. Out of all his contacts…. He had to get Harry Styles. “Are you doing Call or Delete together?”

 

“Why would I want to do call or delete with that nerd?” Nick wiggles his eyebrows when he sees Louis sticking his tongue out at him.

 

“You just said you wanted to marry that nerd?” Harry deadpans.

 

“That’s just a lifelong commitment though,” Nick jokes. “Call or Delete is serious business, you’d know.”

 

“I’m calling your mother to schedule an intervention.”

 

Nick gasps. “The whole point of the secret wedding was NOT to invite the family and get stuck into the endless difficulties that entails, don’t call her you’ll ruin it.”

 

Harry sighs. “We’ve already established you’re not getting married.”

 

“You don’t know that!” Nick argues and this is it. This is the worst Call or Delete they’ve ever done.

 

“I’m calling Louis,” Harry says before hanging up.

 

Nick gasps loudly. “I can’t believe he hung up on me!” he yells, offended beyond belief. “I can’t believe he’d trust your word over mine, you’re the prankster in this relationship,” he keeps babbling while the studio laughs. “Don’t answer it,” Nick warns when he sees Louis’ phone light up with Harry’s caller ID.

 

“He’ll know something’s up if I don’t,” Louis argues before picking. “Hi, love.”

 

“You’re not getting married, are you?” Harry asks, straight to the point.

 

“Nope,” Louis replies with a huge grin towards Nick.

 

“I figured,” Harry says. “Tell Nick he’s lost his touch,” he adds before hanging up.

 

“You traitor,” Nick says pointing an accusing finger towards Louis.

 

He just giggles. The idiot.

 

Later on, they’re walking Pig hand in hand, Nick is still a bit bitter about the morning’s events; even if he’d never admit it. Louis knows though. He always knows.

 

He turns towards Nick with a small smile while Pig sniffs at a neighbour’s bush. “We can always tell Haz last when we get married for real, if it makes you feel any better.”

 

Yeah, Nick thinks while warmth spreads into his body. It does.

**Author's Note:**

> you can hit me up on [ tumblr ](http://mediawhorefics.tumblr.com) and if you liked, please consider [reblogging](http://mediawhorefics.tumblr.com/post/112678967205/title-loose-lips-sink-ships-all-the-damn-time)


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